My stepson treats me like a slave
Q
How can I stop resenting my stepson? I don’t have any children of my own, but my husband has a teenage son, who has recently started living with us. Since his arrival my husband prioritises him constantly, gaming together on the Xbox and taking him out whenever he can. My stepson treats me like his slave, doesn’t thank me for meals and leaves his laundry all over the floor, which makes me see red. Things were fine when he lived at his mother’s. How can we become a happy blended family?
A
I noticed that you ended your question by hoping to become a “happy blended family”. I don’t know how many “blended” families you know, and I have no doubt that there can be many happy moments for all members, but it is important to manage your expectations here. Families in which children join later in life often come with challenges that take years to learn to manage. If your expectation of a “happy blended family” is based on a Hollywood nuclear family ideal, you are setting yourself up to fail. I suggest that you aim for less discord and a level of cordial civility between you all for a start, accepting that some level of conflict is normal, especially at this early stage.
I would encourage you to avoid a position in which your husband is either close to his son or to you. Instead, can you work towards a place in which your husband is both an attentive partner to you as well as a good dad to his son?
It is important to maintain a strong, close relationship between you and your husband, independent of whether his son lives with you or not. Speak to your husband about having regular date nights or protected time for you both to connect as a couple.
Celebrate anniversaries no matter how tiny, create mini-rituals between you and think about how to make the time you spend together special. In this way, you can strengthen your couple bond while your family is going through change.
It sounds like your husband’s relationship with his son is a big part of his identity at the moment. Can you be curious about your husband’s experience of fatherhood, put yourself in his shoes and listen to where he sees his relationship with his son now and in the future.
What sort of a father does he hope to be and how has he handled being relatively absent from his son’s life until now? What might you need from each other during this time? If you take time to understand what this change means for him, it will help you appreciate and support this new side of him.
When it comes to your stepson’s behaviour, there are two parts to address: establishing respect in your home and your relationship with your stepson.
It is important for any family to have a basic level of respect displayed towards each other, similar to how you might treat a colleague or a shop assistant. Thanking each other and clearing up after yourselves are part of this. Think together about some ground rules that you and your husband can establish together so that you can present unified boundaries for the home. Ask your stepson if he would like to add to the rules to include him in the process. Ideally, if your stepson doesn’t keep the rules, your husband should be the one to pull him up on it wherever possible. This is in keeping with the rule of thumb for parents: “connection before correction”.
Regarding your relationship with your stepson, it is important to follow his pace and keep expectations low, as it may take time for him to figure out how to relate to you. Be open about how you are not trying to replace his mother, rather you are another honorary family member who wants to support him in his life. Step parents to adolescents often find more success in taking more of an older sibling position rather than a parental, authoritarian role. Try to take an interest in his life in a lighthearted but consistent way to slowly build up a connection with him. It may take time, but regular displays of appreciation, respect and positivity will build a foundation of trust and will eventually be reciprocated in some way.
Finally, each blended family is complex, unique and, like all families, a work in progress. Try to find a support group or friends in similar situations with whom you can discuss your experiences and who can offer a listening ear and advice throughout your family’s journey. Best of luck!
What sort of a father does he hope to be, and how has he handled being relatively absent from his son’s life until now?