Parenting by the patriarchs
When I was a new dad I’d seek out advice wherever I could get it; parenting books, older friends, on Mumsnet as IcecreamLover4. What never occurred to me though, was to look towards Judaism. In comparison to the child-centred direction our society has taken over the last century, there seemed to be a massive gap in the Torah between “Be fruitful and multiply,” — got that bit — and “Honour thy parents.” Which felt like a wasted opportunity. Surely only God has the power to finally settle whether at bedtime it’s better to go with Dr. Spock’s listen to the baby, or Gina Ford’s strict regime. And besides, perhaps if there was less focus on begats and tabernacle measurements, and more on weaning or the naughty step, you wouldn’t even need the fifth commandment. Add a bit on hugging and creative play, you could probably get rid of the next three as well.
Then, when you look into Genesis, it makes more sense. I know there was a lot of distractions back in the day, floods, snakes, droughts and all that, but our forebears really come across as terrible nurturers. The only thing they seemed to get right was in giving their kids Jewish names. Obviously God had to make a strict rule that parents get taken care of, otherwise their kids would have run away as far as possible as soon as possible, and who would be left to take care of them when they got old, over the following centuries?
However, having since put a few years on the parenting clock myself, I wonder if maybe I’d been a bit hasty. Sure, you try and do the best by your kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll always interpret it that way. Now that the sandals are on the other foot, having a rule for your children to honour you doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. In fact, reexamining the Torah with the swirl of children’s tantrums ringing in my ears, maybe the actions of our ancestors are a bit more justified, maybe they do have childcare wisdom to impart to us, maybe there’s a book deal out there for my “Parenting of the Patriarchs.”
Just look at the Binding of Isaac, for which Abraham gets a fair amount of stick. God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son at Mount Moriah and he agrees. Various commentaries talk about Abraham secretly knowing he wouldn’t have to go through with it, but I think they’re missing some of the deeper lessons in their rush to absolve him. Firstly, your children are never too old to spend time with. Isaac was 37, showing us that good parenting is never done. Go on an adventure, get them away from the tent, offer them up as a sacrifice to God. All you have to do is gather some wood, a knife, and your servants, and make a day out of it.
I guess every trip was a hike back then, although it mustn’t have been a coincidence that God chose Mount Moriah. Getting back to nature whilst getting some exercise sounds like a win win to me. And when Isaac vocalises his suspicions, asking his dad where the lamb was for the sacrifice, Abraham wisely tells him a white lie. It’s like when I’m lost and late going to a birthday party, a lesser parent would just ignore their child’s pestering, but at the same time you don’t want to needlessly stress them out. Exude confidence and hope for the best, your children need to trust you. Then you can be like, “See, there’s a ram/balloon over there!” Phew.
Isaac got lucky when compared to his half-brother, unfairly sent away because Sarah saw him as a threat. You might think that’s a bit harsh on poor Ishmael, but what if the lesson really is that parents need to provide a unified front and shouldn’t undermine each other in front of their children. Or handmaidens. That Isaac later found himself in a similar situation with his own children Esau and Jacob, is an example of unresolved trauma carrying from one generation to the next. When faced with a choice between sons, he had to teach his eldest some tough love, that lentil soup, though delicious, isn’t worth your inheritance, and that a thorough grooming regime would make it more difficult for someone to pretend to be you by covering themselves in wool. Valuable lessons both.
And it’s in Jacob’s treatment of his 12 children that we find the most valuable lesson for dealing with sibling rivalry. Choose a favourite, tell them, and then at least that one’s going to be alright. Unless the others gang up and sell them into slavery. As you can see, when it comes to parenting, the Torah is the gift that keeps on giving. Move over
Lentil soup, however delicious, isn’t worth your inheritance