Help! My son won’t do any revision for his exams
QMy son has his GCSEs coming up and he has barely opened a book. My husband and I are both professionals and want him to have a bright future too. I (a solicitor) have made a colour coded revision timetable for him and my husband (an accountant) has offered him money for every hour he works but to no avail. His older sister did brilliantly, and he is so much brighter than her, he has so much potential. We are tearing our hair out. What can we do to make him realise how much depends on this?
AI want to first acknowledge how difficult it is to see your son falling short of your family expectations. You and your husband must have worked hard to become professionals and it sounds like you have a well-defined idea of how to achieve success. It is incredibly frustrating when your children do not have ambitions that fit with your and your family’s values.
Having said that, it is clear who is working hardest during this revision time — and it isn’t your son! It is lovely to see how supportive you are both trying to be, but the problem is that you are the ones investing in his GCSEs right now and he is not owning them.
Your son clearly has a lack of motivation to revise for his exams. Can you be curious about why? Maybe he has complications with his social life, which is taking over his thinking or he feels too much pressure to be like his sister. Perhaps he is feeling low or anxious and can’t focus, overwhelmed with the Ukraine crisis or is processing all the uncertainty of the pandemic. He could have an undiagnosed learning disorder and, although he is bright, is frustrated at not being able to translate that intelligence into exam-ready responses. There could be so many reasons.
Although I am not underestimating the importance of GCSEs for your child’s future, it is vital to see exams in the context of a teenage boy’s life. A teenage boy who may be struggling, have competing interests or dreams for his future, which he is scared that you will not understand or support.
I would recommend that you have at least two separate conversations with your son. First, take a step back and listen to what your son is experiencing during this stressful time. What are his worries and concerns? How does he feel about himself and his relationships with family and friends right now? What does he enjoy and what is he good at? What does he wish could be different? This conversation need not lead to any practical solutions, rather it is just a chance for you to genuinely step into your son’s shoes and see life through his eyes.
Be prepared for a wide variety of answers. Perhaps your son is considering a future very different from the one that you had hoped. It may take several tries, but what is important is that you listen and remain curious until you are all relatively confident that you understand your son much better and have taken some time to think it all through.
Next, have a more practical conversation in which you ask your son about what he needs and wants during this time. Bear in mind that your son should be the one directing the conversation and suggesting how he needs you all to support him. You and your husband can brainstorm ideas and recommend resources, but your son is the one who needs to choose the final suggestions and how to implement them.
Finally, think of the impact your nagging and frustration is having both on your parental relationship and how your son sees himself and his abilities. If you instead believe in your son to make his own independent choices, not only will he gain by developing his own agency, but he will feel empowered and more confident that his family are behind him. It is true that all children need direction and that you want to protect them from failure. But for adolescents, there is a delicate balance between supporting them and making space for their independence to blossom as they learn to make their own decisions and experience their natural consequences. It is time for you to step back and offer your son the driving seat, giving him the opportunity to be in charge of his own future. Wishing you the best of luck!