How can you avoid a ‘Will Smith moment’? Just practise the pause
AFEW WEEKS ago, in our clinic, we experienced what we have now renamed a “Will Smith moment”. Luckily for all of us, it did not end with a slap. Family and couples’ therapy is the scariest therapy to attend because when there are other family members in the room you never know what someone else is going to say. Often, while working on openness or communication, one person says something that another person experiences as critical, judgmental or blaming. The impact on the recipient is palpable. They may tense up, go red or turn away. Occasionally they leave the room. The triggers vary from obvious insults or misplaced jokes to comments that are subtle, context driven or uttered in a barely audible sarcastic tone.
There are always at least two sides to these incidents. One needs to re-examine their words and take ownership for any offence suggested; intended or otherwise. The other, who felt insulted, may need to think not only about whether they assumed a meaning that was never intended, but also about the way that they reacted.
When we experience something as threatening or are emotionally triggered, we have a powerful physiological response in which adrenaline pumps through our body and our neurological flight or fight defence mechanisms are activated. This response is automatic and momentarily precludes any thoughtfulness or consideration as we are hard wired to react by protecting ourselves and restoring safety when threatened. Yet humans are different from animals in that we have a large, complex prefrontal cortex capable of sophisticated thinking, personality development and impulse control.
Thanks to neuroplasticity, the more we exercise our ability to hold our intense emotional triggers rather than allow them to dictate our behaviours, the better our capacity for emotional regulation. In some ways, holding the feeling of being emotionally threatened or provoked until you are calm enough to respond in a thoughtful, measured way, is the key to relational success. Because it is only when we can focus less on being defensive and safetyseeking that we can truly concentrate on another and listen attentively enough to truly empathise.
This emotional muscle building is important in all relationships but is arguably most significant when it comes to your spouse or partner. Defensive reactions are usually triggered more easily in our most intimate relationships because we are more vulnerable with those closest to us and therefore more sensitive to any perceived threat. Many couples cannot make headway in any important conversation or understand each other more deeply because as soon as one speaks the other feels defensive and thoughtfulness is shut down. When a husband says, “I feel lonely when you go out in the evening,” a wife with low emotional regulation may snap, “well, you go out the whole time too and you don’t even call me all day when you’re at work”. The wife has felt threatened or criticised by her husband’s comment and is reacting as a fighter. This “Will Smith moment” has eclipsed an opportunity to pause and to explore. “In what ways do you feel lonely?” she could have asked, or even further, “how can I support you when you feel lonely so that both our needs are met?” These questions are more likely to lead to building the connection and trust between them. It is more likely to lead to empathetic moments and strengthen their bond.
As with all meaningful change, it takes hard work, perseverance and repetition over time to build the necessary emotional muscle to suspend our triggered reactions. But this work is far-reaching and valuable. To significantly improve our relationships in every area, we need to learn not to take things personally or, when we do, to notice our surge of emotion and hold our reaction until the intensity passes and we can once again access our capacity for curiosity and empathy to others.
Holocaust survivor, psychotherapist and founder of logotherapy, Viktor Frankl once wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Each one of us, Will Smith included, needs this message taped to our bedroom wall: Always remember to practise the pause.
Hold the feeling of being emotionally threatened until you are calm enough to respond in a measured way