Long memories and short trousers as ‘big day’ looms
WHAT important landmark grows closer? Am I referring to the 100th anniversary of the first publication of the Radio Times? Or PG Wodehouse’s ‘The Inimitable Jeeves’, one of the funniest novels and literary characters in our history?
Alas dear readers, it’s not quite of this magnitude. Though my irrepressible optimism (delusion?) still sees me peering the length of my small terrace for any sight of the postie lugging a sack full of mail.
Surely this sack cannot long be delayed? Or perhaps Royal Mail will need to bring a van, given the potential volume? Will there possibly be a message from the King? Ant & Dec? The Pub Landlord? George Galloway?
Or maybe the inevitable good wishes will all arrive online, a sudden rush of several hundred emails. Surface mail, emails, texts, I’m quite happy with whatever format the occasion throws up.
What on earth is this man talking about, I hear you ask. At which juncture my fantasies melt away quicker than a snowball in a blast furnace. And I am forced to suspect that maybe the majority of you are ignorant of the fact that next week sees the publication of the 300th column. This is a lot of words by any yardstick (approx. 150,000) and surely, I ask myself, they can’t all be tosh?
If I allowed just one memorable sentence per column – not a lot to ask – this would still bring in around 3,600 words of quality stuff over the given period.
The column first saw light of day on March 28, 2020. It was then simply titled ‘Planet Corona’, and was seen by myself and others as basically a short-term venture.
The fact that the virus is now mentioned hardly at all in the column is an anomaly, but such anomalies do exist. The previously mentioned Radio Times is still thus titled despite it being read overwhelmingly by those seeking out television programming.
Who in March 2020 expected the virus to be around after Christmas? The adverb ‘Beyond’ was added when (mistakenly) people believed that the virus danger was virtually over, but we decided to crack on with my efforts anyway. Innocent days!
Let us move on. My thoughts on
If I allowed just one memorable sentence per column – not a lot to ask – this would still bring in around 3,600 words of quality stuff over the given period
the long trousers/short trousers culture of yesteryear drew a vigorous response from readers, many of whom had experienced the conflicts themselves. Rob Barratt writes how embarrassing it was to walk home from school in school cap and short trousers. Jim Lindop says Levis came on the market at 49/11d (about £2.50) and he earned less than £7 a week, so owning a pair was a nonstarter.
Liz Charles would sit for hours in a bath of cold bleached water to shrink and fade the Levis, while Helene Farn said her four brothers had to stick with short trousers long after others had ‘graduated’ to the longer version.
Peter Dixon reminds me that I am a Nottinghamian (an adjective in much less use than Geordie, Scouser, or Cockney) therefore lucky not to have to wear green tights (think of the Robin Hood legend), while Bertie Foster tells me he was forced to wear naff cheap denims from the Co-op. I remember them well. They were dreadful.
From Durham, Jackie Litherland writes to speak of an early crush on a lad wearing jeans and she still has vivid memories of just how large the turn-ups were. Tony Patterson, a writer from North Shields says in his case, the coming of long trousers was a blessing, as unlike the short variety, they disguised the calliper he has worn since the age of three.
Thank you to all the readers who got in touch about the trousers syndrome. Do keep those messages coming – they raise my spirits – and here’s to column number three hundred next week.
■ Planet Corona – the First One Hundred Columns, IRON Press, £8
■ ironpress@xlnmail.com