She doesn’t want me to be the fa­ther

The Mail on Sunday - You - - Your Problems Answered -

My part­ner al­ready has one son through IVF and she plans to go through an­other cy­cle in Oc­to­ber. I would to­tally sup­port her in this, but she says that she doesn’t want me to be the donor and that I wouldn’t be able to say that the child is ours, which I would find very dif­fi­cult. She also main­tains a close friend­ship with her pre­vi­ous part­ner and his par­ents. She has no con­tact with her own par­ents and sees his par­ents as her own in some way. Her pre­vi­ous re­la­tion­ship ended around three years ago. She doesn’t seek the same sup­port from my par­ents who are des­per­ate to form a closer bond with her. When­ever I com­ment on how of­ten her ex comes round to play with her son (he is not the pre­vi­ous donor), I feel that she takes his feel­ings more into ac­count than mine. We have been to­gether about 18 months and we love each other. But since she de­cided to go through IVF again, that seems to be her sole fo­cus and if I de­cide to go through it with her then fine, if not she will do it with­out me. You are with a woman whom you say loves you, yet she would rather use an anony­mous donor than have a baby with you. This is not love. Does she want to have sole charge of the child if the re­la­tion­ship breaks down? Does she have trust is­sues? Does she con­sider you are not good enough to be the fa­ther of her child? What­ever her rea­sons, this would be in­cred­i­bly un­fair on you. If you stayed to­gether, you would be bring­ing up a child and be the child’s fa­ther in ev­ery way, but not be al­lowed to say the child is yours. If she can’t see how hurt­ful and im­pos­si­ble this would be for you and the child, then she is not the right woman for you.

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