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‘I WANT TO CELEBRATE WHAT I’VE LEARNT’
From a very public divorce to overcoming crippling self-doubt, the past few years haven’t been easy for LOUISE REDKNAPP. But, as she tells Cole Moreton, her struggles have made her stronger, wiser – and ready to take on the world
At the start of her new book, Louise Redknapp says, ‘I don’t want to hide any more,’ and when we meet in person I soon realise she’s really not kidding. ‘I knew this would only work if I was absolutely honest.’ The pop star and TV presenter has made it a rule to never say anything much about her private life over the years, but smashes that completely with You’ve Got This: And Other Things I Wish I Had Known.
Frank, funny and inspiring, her book also reveals hidden struggles with self-doubt, body image and depression. She talks for the first time about a secret childhood trauma that still haunts the way she parents her sons Charley and Beau: ‘I am a paranoid mum.’
And Louise describes the end of her marriage to the former England footballer Jamie Redknapp in 2017, when the sorrow was so overwhelming that only the thought of the boys stopped her from taking her life.
‘I sank to my knees, crouched down by the radiator and sobbed and sobbed. That was the first time I ever wondered whether I would be better off not being here.’ She was serious, the book says.
‘I would be standing in Central London, watching the buses whiz past and
I would wonder whether it would be easier for a bus to take me out. All it would take was for me to step out at the wrong moment and it would all be over.’
Writing that down is one thing, but talking about it in person is quite another. I have to ask, was she really going to do it? ‘I think so, for a split second. But I’ve got two little men I know need me more than anything. That’s where my selfishness stops – when it comes to them.’ The boys were 12 and eight at the time. ‘For a split second I was, like, “I would really like this all to go away.” But I remember looking at Selfridges and the buses and being, like, “God, I’ve got two people that need me, and they’re the loves of my life, so…”’
She turned away. ‘They’re the only thing that kept me going. Them and my mum.’
She’s not saying that leaving Jamie was the wrong thing to do, only that making the change was huge and hard. ‘I really took the wind out of myself. I feel like I lost a year of my life – like I almost can’t remember some of it.’
Louise tugs fretfully at the sleeve of her comfy grey hoodie and grimaces. ‘I’m really scared. Do you think people are going to be unkind because I’ve been so honest?’ But more people will be encouraged by You’ve Got This, because there is wit and warmth in its pages as well as wisdom, each chapter ending with lessons she has learnt over the
‘HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE. MAKE THE ABSOLUTE MOST OF IT ALL’
years. Speak up for yourself and follow your heart are among them. ‘I would say to anyone reading this, have the confidence to do what you love. If I had my time again, I would throw caution to the wind and make the absolute most of it all,’ she says keenly. ‘I would be really confident in my own thoughts and decisions rather than second-guessing and giving other people so much power. Just own my own moment.’
Still, there’s no doubt her candour will shock those who have long seen her as – in her own words – nice, safe and silent. ‘My really bad time came after the divorce,’ she tells me. ‘Before that, I just kept a real lid on everything. I felt I had no right to have issues, because I had a wonderful life. I felt embarrassed to open up and go, “Guys, I don’t feel very good right now. I’m really struggling with myself.”’
Looking back, the book reveals, there were clues to the crisis inside her. She’s already tiny but Louise lost so much weight for a TV show called The Truth About Size Zero in 2007 that doctors pleaded with her to stop. She became addicted to the feeling of control that not eating gave her: ‘For a time, I could see how easy it would be to slip into having an eating disorder.’
So was it that she didn’t speak up about her struggles or that those around her didn’t hear? ‘Probably a bit of both. I suppose I was just waiting for someone
[to intervene]. My mum would sometimes go: “I’m worried about you.”’ She frowns and changes tack: ‘I wasn’t unhappy all the way through. I really want to point out that I had an amazing marriage. Jamie was like my best friend.’ But saying that brings up deep emotions. ‘You’re going to make me sad…’ Her voice tails off and there are tears in her eyes so I ask if she’d like to stop recording. ‘Yeah, just for a second.’
I feel for her. While she’s taking a moment, I think about what the book reveals of her early life in South London, where she was born 46 years ago: ‘I never knew my father. He walked out of my life before I was born and I’ve always been OK with that.’ She did turn down the chance to meet him through an aunt. ‘I never wanted to create heartache for his family or for my mum.’
One set of grandparents ran a pub in Lewisham, her other grandfather was a