QUOTES of the week

‘If you do n not change of your own accord accord, we will impose change on y you.’

Hom Home Secretary Theresa May, warns the Police Po Federation they must reform – o or face the consequences.

‘If you think there is no God, you’d better be right!’

Baptist Church sign in Attleborough, Norfolk, removed after one complaint to police that its threat of hell for non-believers is ‘hateful’.

‘The UKIP fox is in the Westminster hen house.’

Nigel Farage revels in his party’s success in local elections this week.

‘They complained that my mouth was too wide and my nose too long.’

Sophia Loren recalls producers’ doubts at the start of her film career before she became one of the great sex sirens of the screen.

‘When he goes, we all go. We’re like a travelling circus.’ Matthew McConaughey’s loving wife Camila Alves comes along with their three young children whenever the Hollywood star is on location for filming.

‘I could feel it was a lot heavier than a pollock.’

Fisherman Graeme Pullen, after battling for 30 minutes to reel in a 450lb shark off the Devon coast.

‘Never underestimate the tremendous healing power of sitting down together to speak frankly and openly about the marital difficulties facing other couples you know.’

Writer Tim Dowling suggests a little schadenfreude can restore a rocky marriage to health.

‘The only thing that loses weight on a detox diet is your wallet.’

Dr John Hoskins says trendy diet plans are a waste of time and money.

‘I’m surrounded by all these beautiful, lyrical English accents and then I hear my own voice and want to punch myself in the face.’ Mr Selfridge’s US star Jeremy Piven fears he stands out on the set of ITV’s hit costume drama.

‘I have been to Liverpool and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice.’ Controversial stand-up Frankie Boyle tweets to ensure he’ll face a lively welcome in the city.