QUOTES of the week

‘They just haven’t realised some of the savings they need to make themselves… things like subscriptions to TVs.’

Sports Minister Tracey Crouch sparks fury on the Left by suggesting low-income families forgo luxuries such as Sky TV and Netflix.

‘Corduroy-jacketed, snaggletoothed Leftie academics.’

Boris Johnson is forced to cancel a visit to the West Bank following his description of those who support a trade boycott against Israel.

‘He’s the only bloke I know who fell in love with himself at 16 and has been faithful ever since.’

Ex-England bowler Darren Gough sums up his former team-mate Kevin Pietersen.

‘No one ever asks me out. I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me.’ Jennifer Lawrence may be one of Hollywood’s hottest stars but she still has difficulty finding love.

‘Why should Right-wing oppressive patriots be the only ones to be patriots? Why shouldn’t we wonderful people be patriots too?’

Actress Vanessa Redgrave claims that Left-wingers love their country too.

‘Spectre is full of not-good things and some oppressively bad things that may come to feel like drill bits twirling in your skull.’

The Wall Street Journal is less than complimentary about the latest Bond film.

‘What we have seen in recent months is only a hint of what might happen next, mere gusts of wind before the approach of a hurricane.’

William Hague warns that Europe’s migrant crisis has only just begun.

‘When you’re having a shower, try to do it where people can’t see you, so they don’t realise you’re a fat hippo.’

Cece Constantine’s advice to her mother Susannah, who is appearing on I’m A Celebrity.

‘I’m stuck with being a mean old cow.’

Dame Maggie Smith, who is following her role as the waspish Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey by playing the eccentric Miss Shepherd in The Lady In The Van.