The loud, the bad – and the plain bonkers

BRITAIN’S Got Talent? Undoubtedly. But Holland has the talent to entertain – and there’s a difference.

As the 11th series kicked off (Amanda Holden looking more stunning than ever), it was Niels from Amsterdam who stole the show.

And not just stole it: this was the Great Train Robbery of thieving.

With wild hair, a glittering costume and a personality of electric chair voltage, he claimed to be a magician. His ‘tricks’ were straight out of a kids’ magic box – a rope that balanced horizontally (I had one of those when I was eight), a guillotine (that old chestnut; Ant survived it), and… er, that was it.

I suspect, like the late Tommy Cooper, Niels can do a ton of sophisticated stuff, but his great skill is as a performer: crazy dancing, compelling interaction with the audience – just fabulous.

The show had plenty of variety and the usual mix of acts that were guaranteed Yesses and the duds that were guaranteed four No votes. Richard from Bridgend put his finger in his mouth and made a hideous popping noise. The buzzers resounded in unison. I grew up in Bridgend: I hate to tell you, but that’s the best it gets.

Ned, a cute eight-year-old, was doing stand-up comedy and, with a script clearly written by adults, managed to get away with a lot more rudeness than an adult would (comparing Amanda to a dog was the least of it). Funny? No. Precocious? Yes.

Who could fail to have been moved by the Missing People Choir? One can only hope the show will produce some happy endings to these heartbreaking stories.

As always, I had no clue who the impressionist (Jess) was doing, and there were some people wearing cats’ heads who… well, I have no idea what they were doing. ‘You captured what Britain’s Got Talent’s all about,’ cooed Alesha Dixon. Really?

Simon Cowell pressed his Golden Buzzer (that puts an act straight through to the live semi-finals) for 15-yearold singer Sarah. No doubt a superstar in the making, at the moment she doesn’t have enough light and shade in her delivery (as last year’s brilliant Beau Dermott had) – though it was very loud. Very.

And so, it all begins again. I’m already betting on Niels. Like I said: I am so easily amused.