Why Britain’s perfect bridesmaid is 6ft tall and aged 55 ( ) So why have they never asked me?
THE latest lifestyle advice from Planet Paltrow is that if you find yourself drawn into a fast-food emporium like a Subway sandwich bar or – shock horror! – a McDonald’s, you must not eat their food. Instead, you should ask them to alter their menu to follow Gwyneth’s instructions. No buns, no fries, hold the mayo, hold the cheese, ask for gluten-free. And then ask for a police escort to deal with the angry mob who have been kept waiting behind you.
THEY say that you never forget your first time, but I wouldn’t know, because at 55 I’m still waiting to be asked. Princess Charlotte, on the other hand, will suffer no such lifelong regret because she is going to be a bridesmaid for the first time at aunt Pippa’s wedding next month – and she’s only two.
Being asked to be a bridesmaid is one of those moments that makes young girls hysterical and their mothers sob with pride.
And with the wedding season starting in earnest, expect to see both emotions in full flow – along with some sour faces as the bride tries to wrestle control of her big day off her mother who has been waiting for this moment since she packed away the christening gown. As the Editor of The Lady magazine, I am besieged for advice on the subject.
Most brides opt for four bridesmaids, with the decision of who is and who isn’t going to be one a complex mix of favouritism, obligation and brutal decision-making about who will look good (but not too good) in the photographs.
One of the things that has stopped me making anyone’s line-up is my size – I am almost 6ft – and even as a child I was a big unit.
The other thing has invariably been the right of veto exercised by the bride’s mum.
I may have seen their daughters through broken hearts and the Barry Manilow years, but when it came to making the cut for the backing group, Mum said No. And not always that nicely. One mother of the bride told me that I would just unbalance the ‘look’. Another said that she didn’t want me looming over the groom’s head.
Pippa’s decision to choose the tiny Princess Charlotte and the equally adorable four- year- old Prince George certainly deals with that problem. It also ups the cute factor. Sophie Wessex, Princess Anne and the meringue- draped Sarah Ferguson all chose small children. Only the rather foxier Autumn Phillips bucked the trend by having grown-up girlfriends in off-the-shoulder green Vera Wang cocktail numbers which were a first, and almost certainly a last, for St George’s Chapel, Windsor.
There are some women who seem to spend their summers being bridesmaids, because they are on a circuit of girlfriends for which the honour is a reciprocal agreement. I had no bridesmaids when I got married. Instead, I had a maid of honour, who was supposed to be there to support my eight-and-a-half-month pregnant frame, but who ended up losing my bouquet and getting off with the photographer.
It was for scenarios like this that two years ago New Yorker Jen Glantz decided to advertise herself as a professional bridesmaid and received 250 requests overnight. She now gets thousands of requests a week and charges up to $2,000 a time. Her unsentimental attitude may seem calculating to the romantics among us, but weddings are big business. According to Jen, normal bridesmaids may well be well-meaning friends, but they’re usually too busy to spend enough time with the bride and can get carried away with their self-centred concerns about their gowns and whether they will be thin enough.
Because, let’s face it, the whole point of being in the chorus line is to one day get the starring role.
BUT if any of Pippa’s single girlfriends had been hoping to find themselves a husband among the well-heeled guests, they may be sorely disappointed. If the rumours are anything to go by, Pippa has instigated a ban on unattached women. She may well have upstaged her own sister with a figure-hugging dress that shouted ‘I’m on the market’, but that loophole has been closed.
Although quite why she hasn’t realised that having a beautiful pocket-sized princess and a gorgeous prince hanging off her train might just be the biggest showstealer in history, I don’t know.
She wouldn’t have had that problem if she’d asked me, of course. Rachel Johnson is away