QUOTES of the week

‘Total fraud, irresponsible Marxist, deeply unreliable, very unpleasant. Not to be allowed near the controls.’ Tory MP Sir Nicholas Soames’s withering verdict on Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell. ‘We fought the lion and won.’ Zimbabwean politician Lovemore Matuke after Robert Mugabe bowed to pressure and stood down as the country’s president. ‘Dear Lord! Let me guess – breaking and entering, stealing porridge and sleeping around.’ Twitter user Rob Densham reacts after Essex Police released an e-fit of an intruder bearing a remarkable resemblance to Goldilocks. ‘Passengers at the station then self-evacuated.’ Scotland Yard finds a novel way of saying that commuters ran out of Oxford Street Tube station during a terror scare there on Friday. ‘I’m glad it’s going slowly – you don’t deserve a bullet.’ Actress Uma Thurman is pleased that the humiliation of Harvey Weinstein will go on for a long time. ‘I would never walk into an all-girls’ school and say “girls or ladies” because it’s patronising. I don’t think it’s useful to be constantly reminded of your gender.’ Former mental health tsar Natasha Devon wants schools to adopt gender-neutral terms. ‘You never get heckled, just strongly worded letters… Dear Andy, I was appalled by your use of the word “opaque”.’ Comedian Andy Hamilton reveals why he prefers writing for radio than going on stage. ‘If I had managed to get him, I would have drop-kicked him over the fence.’ England women’s rugby star Ceri Large who chased a burglar who broke into her parents’ home. ‘At 37 I never thought I’d be a Grangela.’ Labour MP Angela Rayner who has become a grandmother aged 37.