You won’t BELIEVE what they tell me!

I have spent £24 million on two wives. I feel like Rod Stewart, who said, “I am not going to get married again. I am just going to find a woman I don’t like and buy her a house.” Is John Cleese a little bit bitter? I rescued three leopards from a zoo in Cyprus and took them to South Africa. They might associate my smell with freedom.

Ruth Wilson tells me at the Born Free Foundation gala dinner that she isn’t just an actress – she’s a leopard freedom fighter! When I go past Battersea Power Station I always check the sky for pigs. Pink Floyd’s Nick Mason admits to me that his band’s iconic album cover still haunts him after 40 years. I love paying bills. It gives me so much joy. I feel like a grown-up and I get really excited. If that’s Scarlett

Moffatt’s idea of fun, I’m sending the Gogglebox star, above, my gas bill today... Oh don’t bother calling me Dame. Vivienne Westwood keeps it real when we meet at the 50th birthday party of her son Joe Corre, founder of Agent Provocateur, at the Institute of Contemporary Arts. Would I accept a knighthood? I just couldn’t be bothered with the day out. I would if they sent it through the post or if it was delivered by a drone into the back garden. Noel Gallagher shouldn’t worry – I don’t think honouring him is the Queen’s top priority. I have no interest in a man. Been there done that. Over that. I am trying to save the planet.

Heather Mills, once married to Sir Paul McCartney, is now trying to rescue us all, she told me at the Brilliant Is Beautiful charity gala. You have to admire her ambition.