Do you know your BoJo mug wump front your Cameron clunch?

. . . then you’ve got a head start in our shamelessly irreverent test of your knowledge of all things 2017

ELECTION FEVER! (IN THAT EVERYONE GOT SICK OF ELECTIONS…)

1. What did NOT happen to Theresa May during her disastrous conference speech? A A prankster invaded the stage. B Letters started falling off the slogan on her backdrop. C She suffered a crippling coughing fit. D The PA system broadcast a call for a ‘cab for Mrs May’.

2. In its Election manifesto, Labour promised four new bank holidays to mark what? A The end of Tory rule. B The patron saints of the home nations. C Jeremy Corbyn’s birthday. D April Fool’s Day.

3. How did Ukip donor Arron Banks describe the party, before he was suspended from it? A As having ‘more fruitcakes than Mr Kipling’. B As being ‘run like a squash club committee’. C As being ‘nuttier than a bowl of granola’. D As letting far too many immigrants live in the UK, citing the French politician Nigel Farage shared his house with.

4. Who said there are ‘boy jobs and girl jobs’? A Some jerk on Twitter complaining about a female Doctor Who. B Legendary porn director Grant Pleasure. C The Taliban, who tried to stop Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai going to school. D The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

5. Which of these is true, according to Diane Abbott’s figures?

A Labour won the most seats in this year’s Election.

B Labour could hire 10,000 police officers by paying them an average of £30 a year.

C Britain’s trade with the EU is worth £7 squillion gazillion a month.

D The total number of migrants to the UK this year was 23.

6. What claims did Ukip’s Paul Nuttall make that were exposed as lies during the Election campaign? A That he was once a professional footballer at Tranmere Rovers. B That he had a PhD. C That he lived in Stoke. D All of the above.

7. How did former Chancellor George Osborne reportedly say he’d like to see Theresa May? A ‘Through the scopes of a high-powered sniper rifle’. B As Miss February in the next Pirelli calendar. C Immortalised in a 20ft statue in Westminster Square. D ‘Chopped up in bags in my freezer.’

8. Days before he was appointed Environment Secretary, Michael Gove said that getting a job in Theresa May’s Cabinet was about as likely as him… A Being Bradford City’s star signing for next season. B Joining the Chippendales male strip troupe. C Winning the Sancho Panza award for unwavering loyalty. D Snogging Michel Barnier on the banks of the Seine.

9. Why did pranksters dump a washing machine outside Keith Vaz’s constituency HQ during the General Election? A Because the MP pretended to be a washing machine salesman called Jim when he propositioned two male prostitutes. B Because they thought he could do with more political spin. C Because they thought he had the charisma of a capsule of laundry detergent. D Because he kept appearing in public with egg stains on his shirt.

10. Who did Andrea Leadsom call ‘one of our greatest living authors’? A Jane Austen, despite her being dead for 200 years. B The writer of the ‘Hmm, Danone’ advertising jingle. C Boris Johnson for his Brexit manifesto. D Jeremy Corbyn-supporting grime artist Stormzy for his lyrics such as ‘Skeng chat, kick up the yout’.

11. Why will Big Ben be silenced for four years? A To annoy the News At Ten producers, who will now have to employ an actor to say ‘Bong’ over the opening credits. B We are yet to agree a Brexit trade deal to replace the clanger, which is made in Belgium. C To protect

workers refurbishing the tower. D It is being replaced by the McDonald’s jingle in a £25 million sponsorship deal.

12. What did Jacob Rees-Mogg call his son who was born this year? A Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher. B Dwayne. C Li’l Lord Brexiteer, Da Remainer Slayer. D Mohammad.

DOWN IN THE TRUMPS…

13. ‘They will be met with fire and fury the likes of which this world has never seen.’ Who was President Trump threatening?

A The Twitter employee who shut down his account for 11 minutes. B North Korea over its nuclear threat. C The New York Times for daring to suggest his inauguration audience wasn’t the ‘hugest’ crowd ever witnessed in the history of the planet.

D Emily Jones, 14, of Des Moines, Iowa, for posting a picture of Trump as a defecating donkey on Instagram.

14. Who is Bobby Three Sticks?

A Bob Walker, the long-serving groundsman at Lord’s, famous for the way he lines up the wickets so perfectly.

B A feared mafia boss who carries three sizes of cane to thwack those who cross him.

C Nickname for FBI investigator Robert Mueller III, who is probing Donald Trump’s links to Russia.

D Robert Mugabe, according to his own hype, claiming he sticks to his principles, sticks to his promises, and sticks it to the former colonial powers.

15. When Theresa May visited Donald Trump, the White House confused her with… A An intern’s mum who had come to pick him up from work. B A porn star called Teresa May. C A confused tourist who had become separated from the rest of her tour group. D A cult leader because of the way she robotically repeated the mantra ‘strong and stable’.

16. What photograph did

Dominican newspaper El Nacional mistakenly use for Donald Trump? A Donald Duck. B The poop emoji. C An Oompa-Loompa. D Alec Baldwin’s preposterous caricature of the President from US comedy show Saturday Night Live.

FOR REGAL-EYED READERS…

17. How did DUP leader Arlene Foster react to the news of Prince Harry and Meghan’s engagement?

A By marching six miles through a Republican area with pipes and drums.

B By sending the a couple a card saying: ‘Ulster Says No…’ on the front and ‘… way! We’re so happy for you guys! OMG!’ on the inside.

C By tweeting congratulations to Prince WILLIAM on his engagement to Megan (sic) Markle.

D By stockpiling commemorative Royal wedding tea-cosies.

18. This year it was revealed that the Queen has sometimes been called Gary. Why?

A Because she sometimes sneaks out of the Palace in the guise of a 50-year-old plasterer to experience life as a real person.

B Because that’s what Prince William called her when he was a toddler and couldn’t yet pronounce ‘Granny’.

C Because she posed for an official portrait in just her underwear, as Gary Lineker did when Leicester City won the league last year.

D It was the Royal Protection Squad’s code for when she was on Britannia – Governor Aboard Royal Yacht.

19. Which book did Prince Charles write this year?

A A Ladybird book on climate change. B The Little Boy Who Waited And Waited And Waited. C A phrasebook for translating English to Petunia. D The chick-lit novel A Carbuncle On The Heart.

20. What is ‘mugwump’?

A The name of the monster in the John Lewis Christmas advert. B An arcane insult used by Boris Johnson to describe Jeremy Corbyn. C The Mediterranean island where they film Love Island. D Noise made when a fat bloke falls into a vat of custard.

21. What is ‘covfefe’?

A A new Nespresso-style coffee machine. B Codeword that would activate KGB sleeper agents in America. C Greeting of the Neymar people in the new Star Wars film. The correct response is: ‘Parpoolu. D A ‘word’ used in one of the less nutty tweets sent by Donald ‘I have all the best words’ Trump this year.

22. What is Clunch?

A The name of the Farrow & Ball paint colour David Cameron used on his new shepherd’s hut. B The villain in the next Guy Ritchie film. C New slang for Christmas lunch, as in: ‘Are we having your mother for Clunch?’ D An app that counts down the inevitable collapse of the Bitcoin.

W(H)INING AND DINING 23. What name was suggested to describe British sparkling wine since champagne is a protected name?

A Bremagne. B Brolly. C Fizzy McFizzface. D All of the above.

24. What faux pas did Prue Leith make on her first series of The Great British Bake Off?

A Asked Sandi Toksvig which one she was: Mel or Sue.

B Accidentally tweeted the winner’s name before the final aired.

C Told Paul Hollywood that his beard looked as if it had been dunked in Tipp-Ex.

D Went to the wrong marquee and ruined a couple’s big day by criticising their soggy wedding cake.

25. How did bakery chain Greggs cause offence?

A By going vegan. B By replacing the baby Jesus with a sausage roll on its advent calendar. C Because its advertising slogan ‘nice buns!’ was considered sexist. D Altering the Haggis Pie available in its Scottish branches to contain 15 per cent less intestinal lining.

26. A much-derided advert starring Keeping Up With The Kardashians star Kendall Jenner suggested that Pepsi could do what?

A Cure flatulence. B Bridge the bitter divide between protesters and the police they accuse of treating black lives cheaply. C Provide all the nutrients your body needs. D Summon The Dark One, unleash his hounds of hell and deliver vengeance upon this pitiful planet.

27. Why did supermarkets ration lettuce?

A Supply issues caused by poor weather in southern Europe. B It was discovered to have hallucinogenic properties if devoured in large enough quantities. C There was a rush on sales as Lady Gaga fans clamoured to make their own version of the salad dress she wore to the TV Awards. D Farmers had planted a golden slug into one iceberg, promising a magical tour around their lettuce fields.

28. Why was Tesco accused of ruining Christmas?

A For selling Christmas crackers that inadvertently included some Bernard Manning jokes. B Because its mince pies were made of minced meat, not mincemeat. C Because its website mixed up feet and inches when advertising Christmas trees, leaving some families celebrating around a six-inch spruce. D For selling ‘rancid’ turkeys to some customers.

A SPORTING CHANCE

29. After retiring from athletics this year, Usain Bolt announced plans to expand his restaurant empire. What is its only outlet so far? A A New York fast food joint called (what else?) Sprinters. B A sports bar and music bar in Kingston, Jamaica, called Tracks And Records. C An upmarket Chinese restaurant in Kiev called Usain’s Insane Chow Mein and Champagne Food Chain. D An Indian restaurant in Bradford called Curry And Race.

30. Why was a cricket match between Surrey and Middlesex at the Oval stopped?

A Players hit by the sudden realisation of the crushing futility of such a sport in a finite life full of infinite possibilities. B An arrow was fired on to the pitch. C Henry Blofeld deciding to retire from Test Match Special with a celebratory streak across the pitch. D Ben Stokes vomited on an umpire after suffering the effects of a heavy night out.

31. Why was Sutton United’s 23st goalkeeper Wayne Shaw sacked?

A For eating all the half-time sandwiches. B For slimming down, so making the goal an easier target for opponents. C For eating a pie live on TV during a match, just as gamblers predicted. D For breaking a team-mate’s ribs when he jumped on him in an overenthusiastic victory celebration.

32. What lasted 67 days?

A Princess Beatrice’s latest ‘short break’. B The average Brighton to London journey time under crisis-hit Southern Rail. C Sam Allardyce’s stint as England football manager. D Boris Johnson’s promise not to say something stupid ever again.

A CULTURAL BUFFET

33. Why was a poster for the new Smurfs movie censored in Israel?

A Because you are not allowed to advertise blue movies there.

B Because a picture of Smurfette might upset ultra-Orthodox Jews in an enclave where images of women are banned.

C Because in Hebrew, the word ‘smurf’ means a very niche sexual practice.

D Because in a TV interview Sloppy Smurf said some pretty inflammatory things about the occupation of the West Bank.

34. Which of these was a real artwork unveiled this year by former Turner Prize-winner Laure Prouvost?

A Used teabags on a radiator, entitled We Will Multiply. B Hair in a bathplug, entitled Pressures On An Easily Distracted Mind. C Dirty pants besides a laundry basket, entitled You Were Standing Right There, Would It Have Been Such An Effort To Open The Bloody Lid? D A mouldy apple core, entitled Brexit.