QUOTES of the week

‘We have a Napoleon in the making here.’ Congresswoman Jackie Speier, as Donald Trump demands the first major US military parade since 1991. ‘Next we’ll be giving a warm handshake – and not in any way a dodgy one – to the head of the Freemasons.’ BBC News anchor Simon McCoy welcomes David Staples, as the organisation urges an end to bias against its members. ‘It was the 70s. If you did enough cocaine you’d **** a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.’ Jennifer Lee confirms her late husband, comic Richard Pryor, and Marlon Brando were lovers. ‘Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune from what I can pertain from LinkedIn.’ Professor John Sutherland reimagines a conversation between Elizabeth Bennet’s parents in an updated version of Pride And Prejudice. ‘I arrived with clear eyes, dark hair and a waist smaller than a yardstick. As I leave, I gaze in the mirror and, save for the absence of a twinset and pearls, I see the Queen Mother.’ Graydon Carter, who is stepping down after 25 years as Vanity Fair editor. ‘Quite wet and disappointing?’ Singer James Blunt’s self-deprecating Twitter reply to a fan who said they’d had a ‘James Blunt kind of night’. ‘Pyeongchang isn’t half bad when it warms up a bit and you remember your windproof boxers.’ British skier Andrew Musgrave finds a novel way of wrapping up at the Winter Olympics after temperatures dipped to -23C. ‘I’m worried the captain is going to beam me up and I’ll have to sing Kids In America for the rest of my life.’ Pop star Kim Wilde fears alien abduction and claims that she saw a UFO hovering over her house.

‘It may appear eccentric but just wait till I put on that surgical mask.’ Joan Collins, who has taken to wearing gloves to protect against germs.