NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Police who quizzed an elderly woman under caution for the ‘hate crime’ of honking her car horn launch a zero-tolerance blitz on similarly serious infractions, including assault with a deadly tut, raising an eyebrow in a built-up area, and possession of class A sarcasm with intent to supply. And after academics proposed a bacon tax, a gleeful Ed Miliband is overheard chuckling: ‘Revenge at last!’

TUESDAY

Doctor Who producers respond to fans’ concerns the show has become too politically correct by revealing that classic enemies will be returning in the next series, with exciting storylines featuring the Cybermen, the Ice Warriors and the Daleks. However, the Cybermen are choosing to live as Cyberwomen, the Ice Warriors are concerned about climate change and the Daleks are campaigning against the lack of ramps in public spaces.

WEDNESDAY

After reporting there are up to 1.2 million motorists with poor eyesight on Britain’s roads, researchers reveal there are another 300,000 on the pavements, central reservations and in hedgerows.

THURSDAY

Ousted Persimmon boss Jeff Fairburn gives an interview about what he intends to do with the controversial £75million bonus he’ll be leaving with. ‘I’m really going to splash out,’ he says. ‘I’ll be using it as a deposit on a one-bedroom flat in Central London.’

F RI DAY

As they continue to publicise their forthcoming tour, the Spice Girls deny middle age and lucrative sponsorship deals have compromised their work, insisting they always meant to sing: ‘I really, really, really, wanna Zimmer Zimmer.’

And Lego-loving Culture Secretary Jeremy Wright reveals another pastime that allows him to disengage from the stresses of the real world: being Culture Secretary.

SATURDAY

After declaring ‘single-use’ to be their word of the year, the compilers of Collins Dictionary admit they’ll probably throw it out of the book in 2019.