NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The ousted boss of Marmite maker Unilever says he always felt that half the shareholders loved him and the other half hated him, adding: ‘I wish there was an analogy for that.’

TUESDAY

Ofcom chiefs explain that they introduced a cap on directory enquiry charges after seeing the size of some people’s bills. ‘We’re talking telephone numbers here,’ said a spokesman.

WEDNESDAY

As dwarf actors complain that pantos are replacing them with cheaper child actors, the performer leading the protest is asked if he’s angry. ‘No,’ he replies. ‘I’m Dopey.’

THURSDAY

After last week’s important Anglo-Saxon discoveries, archaeologists’ excitement at finding another pile of human bones in the dirt surrounded by jewellery is cut short when it turns out to be Kate Moss passed out in a ditch again. After chatting to former Network Rail boss Mark Carne when he received his CBE, Buckingham Palace flunkeys get the notion to sack all their guards.

F RI DAY

The first patients to have their sense of smell ‘zapped’ back ask for the process to be reversed after visiting a Wetherspoon pub. Baroness Trumpington’s old Bletchley Park colleagues pay tribute to the former codebreaker, saying: ‘She would know what we mean if we said, “Fj4#55rMo9hCc+ §¥fthgWwf kYk.” ’

SATURDAY

Trailers are aired to promote tomorrow’s big TV events: the Brexit debate and I’m A Celebrity final. Viewers will see people eating bugs, bathing outside and fighting for meagre portions of food… as Mark Carney’s latest doomsday predictions for ‘no deal’ are laid out.