NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TO­DAY!

The Mail on Sunday - - News - Steve Ben­nett

OUR weekly – and very ir­rev­er­ent – look at sto­ries that just might be break­ing over the com­ing days…

MON­DAY

The ousted boss of Mar­mite maker Unilever says he al­ways felt that half the share­hold­ers loved him and the other half hated him, adding: ‘I wish there was an anal­ogy for that.’

TUES­DAY

Of­com chiefs ex­plain that they in­tro­duced a cap on di­rec­tory en­quiry charges af­ter see­ing the size of some peo­ple’s bills. ‘We’re talk­ing tele­phone num­bers here,’ said a spokesman.

WED­NES­DAY

As dwarf ac­tors com­plain that pan­tos are re­plac­ing them with cheaper child ac­tors, the per­former lead­ing the protest is asked if he’s an­gry. ‘No,’ he replies. ‘I’m Dopey.’

THURS­DAY

Af­ter last week’s im­por­tant An­glo-Saxon dis­cov­er­ies, ar­chae­ol­o­gists’ ex­cite­ment at find­ing an­other pile of hu­man bones in the dirt sur­rounded by jew­ellery is cut short when it turns out to be Kate Moss passed out in a ditch again. Af­ter chat­ting to for­mer Net­work Rail boss Mark Carne when he re­ceived his CBE, Buck­ing­ham Palace flunkeys get the no­tion to sack all their guards.

F RI DAY

The first pa­tients to have their sense of smell ‘zapped’ back ask for the process to be re­versed af­ter vis­it­ing a Wether­spoon pub. Baroness Trump­ing­ton’s old Bletch­ley Park col­leagues pay tribute to the for­mer codebreaker, say­ing: ‘She would know what we mean if we said, “Fj4#55rMo9hCc+ §¥fthgWwf kYk.” ’

SAT­UR­DAY

Trail­ers are aired to pro­mote to­mor­row’s big TV events: the Brexit de­bate and I’m A Celebrity fi­nal. View­ers will see peo­ple eat­ing bugs, bathing out­side and fight­ing for mea­gre por­tions of food… as Mark Car­ney’s lat­est dooms­day pre­dic­tions for ‘no deal’ are laid out.

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