NEXT WEEK’S NEWS TODAY!

OUR weekly, irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

SUNDAY

THERESA MAY says that getting stuck in the back of the car when visiting Angela Merkel proves that Britain still leads the world in one respect: painfully obvious metaphors.

MONDAY

TAKING a leaf from the train arm of Richard Branson’s empire, Virgin Galactic again flies to the edge of space, where it is met by the rocket replacement bus service that will take astronauts the last 8,000 miles.

TUESDAY

THE workers who tackled the chocolate that spilled on to a German road reveal how they cleared it. ‘We laid down caramel, fudge, hazelnut and orange and strawberry cream,’ said their foreman. ‘And everything came up Roses.’

WEDNESDAY

AFTER scientists discover a massive microbe eco-system beneath the Earth’s surface, desperate Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay wonders if we can do a trade deal with it.

THURSDAY

THE comedy night that demanded its stand-ups sign up to a ‘safe space’ contract to cause no offence takes place. The opening joke? ‘What do you call someone with a potato on his head? You wait for them to declare their own identity in terms of name, gender, ethnicity, sexuality and potato-orientation and respect their decision as to how they be referred to.’ It’s a cracker!

F RI DAY

THE pharmaceutical industry gives its full submission to Health Secretary Matt Hancock’s new review into the overprescription of drugs. It reads: ‘Just take a chill pill, man.’

SATURDAY

AS DEBATE rages about Christmas song lyrics, radio stations ban Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire for promoting fossil fuels; Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer for nasalshaming; and We Wish You A Merry Christmas because of the links between figgy pudding and child obesity.