QUOTES of the week

‘A number of people use “less” when they should use “fewer” because they don’t know the difference between countable and uncountable nouns. But that’s more a capital offence than a petty crime.’

Twitter user Tom Coates’s

tongue-in-cheek response to a US journalist who asked Londoners for their experiences of crime. ‘What did you call me? You called me nebulous.’

Theresa May

confronts EC chief Jean-Claude Juncker in Brussels during another week of Brexit turmoil. ‘The Tory Party is like a family. It’s just that we have been having a lot of rows lately.’

Unnamed Cabinet Minister

after Mrs May survived a confidence vote. ‘Well, you’re no Judi Dench.’ Cressida Bonas recalls her father’s reaction when she announced she wanted to be an actress. ‘By signing this contract, you are agreeing to our no-tolerance policy with regards to racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia.’

Student charity form

handed to comic Konstantin Kisin – leaving him with virtually nothing to joke about. ‘It was my blind loyalty to this man that led me to take a path of darkness instead of light.’

Lawyer Michael Cohen,

who was jailed for three years after admitting covering up Donald Trump’s ‘dirty deeds’. ‘It’s completely untrue that I did it in order to raise awareness for autism. I did it for the money.’

Anne Hegerty

is candid over her reason for appearing on I’m A Celebrity. ‘Turns out cyclists can’t run.’

Olympic gold medallist Dani Rowe

fractures her foot while jogging – a week after retiring from her sport.