NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Amazon boss Jeff Bezos says he never meant to cheat on his wife but was tempted to stray after his computer suggested ‘those who liked MacKenzie Bezos also liked Lauren Sanchez’. His wife now stands to receive up to $67 billion in a divorce settlement. Or, after paying tax at Amazon’s usual rate, $67 billion.

TUESDAY

The first patients to be diagnosed via a Skype session with their GP are found to be suffering ‘poor connection’, ‘insufficient credit’ and ‘Windows Update Error 0x80070057’. Commons Speaker John Bercow continues to insist he won’t be constrained by centuries of constitutional precedent as he rules that the next parliamentary vote will be decided by a game of Ker-Plunk.

WEDNESDAY

Television cameras on College Green in Westminster continue to attract attention-seeking loonies chanting their simplistic Brexit slogans. Or MPs, as they are more properly known.

THURSDAY

Bishops in the new official Vatican athletics team take part in their first event: the 400 mitres. Researchers who found that over-65s spread fake news more than any other age group admit that it might have skewed the figures to include 72-year-old Donald Trump in the study.

F RI DAY

Supermarkets recall the first robots to deliver shopping to customers’ homes after realising they lacked the wonky left-hand wheel they insist are built into all their trolleys. The owners of Paris’s first allnude restaurant, O’naturel, say they had no choice but to close, explaining: ‘We had no way of covering our emoluments.’