NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Amazon’s Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos set a record for the most expensive divorce ever, Brexit negotiators add: ‘Yet.’ The Duke and Duchess of Sussex explain more about the evils of social media on their Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, Pinterest and Snapchat accounts – insisting that the best way to share short messages with the world is to write them on bananas.

TUESDAY

After arbitrarily linking wind turbines to cancer, Donald Trump claims that other things he doesn’t like also cause disease, such as voting Democrat, releasing your tax returns and human kindness.

WEDNESDAY

Radio 1 DJ Maya Jama acknowledges the listeners who pointed out she had fallen for a listener’s prank when she read out a dedication to ‘Hugh Janus’. ‘Big thanks to Tess Tickles and Ivana Tinkle,’ she says. The Paras who shot at a picture of Jeremy Corbyn defend their actions, saying he’s perfect for target practice since it’s always so hard to know what his position is.

THURSDAY

After it’s revealed that a quarter of over-50s complain about ageism, the other three-quarters complain that they don’t understand all this modern music, can’t figure out Skype and moan about the shocking price of Werther’s Original.

F RI DAY

George Clooney claims success in his campaign against Brunei as millions of Britons again refuse to stay in the £800-a-night Dorchester hotel tonight. The British Medical Association responds to complaints that it has a culture of sexist innuendo akin to a 1970s comedy, with spokesman Sidney James saying: ‘If any woman wants an apology, I’d be happy to give her one. Wa-hay!’

SATURDAY

British tourists are banned from taking meat pasties to France if we leave the EU without an agreement. Although some say it’s a bit late to be banning porkie pies from the Brexit debate.