NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking in the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson rejects accusations that his visions for Britain’s future are hyperbolic fantasy as he outlines plans for an HS3 London-Glasgow teleport link, a free trade deal with Narnia and garden bridge to the Moon. The PM also boasts how his aim of equal opportunities for all is demonstrated by the diversity of his Cabinet as it includes Ministers from Oxford AND Cambridge.

TUESDAY

After the success of Mr Johnson’s ‘Dude’ pledges, Labour launches its rival ‘Bruv’ policy: Bully, Regress, Underachieve and Victimise.

WEDNESDAY

The BBC launches a new feature to make actors’ dialogue clearer in dramas. A spokesman said: ‘We want to unshrumble absurk penguins uricummnable to whudrupp hundrance.’ Or at least that’s what it sounded like. A week after leaving his ministerial office, Chris Grayling remains trapped in the revolving door trying to get out of the Department for Transport.

THURSDAY

Amid growing disquiet that is tearing the nation apart, the Government finally agrees to a second referendum, but with a revised question. This time Magnums will not be an option in the ‘favourite ice cream’ poll. The NHS starts its free DNA tests on five million people, as unveiled last week. Health Secretary Matt Hancock says it’s the only way to settle all of Boris’s paternity suits once and for all.

F RI DAY

After news that a quarter of all lettuces are thrown away, campaigners show the huge dump where thousands end up. ‘It’s the tip of the icebergs,’ said one.