NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following her right-on article in Vogue, Meghan guest-edits Plumbing Today, telling its baffled readers to unclog the negative chi from the U-bends of their souls and to float their ballcocks of potential. Oh, and never use a chemical drain unblocker.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson defends himself over claims that he’s out of touch over the flooding crisis after it emerged that when he was told to ‘fly over Whaley Bridge’, he said: ‘Great! I love Fleabag and Killing Eve.’ After the birthrate in England and Wales hits a historic low, Theresa May is heard to mutter: ‘See, the country’s not entirely against withdrawal agreements.’

WEDNESDAY

Rochester Cathedral defies critics who say its crazy golf course is ruining the sanctity of worship, by adding a bouncy pulpit, a water slide into the baptismal font, and a Waltzer ride based on the Mother Of God, named the Mary-Go-Round.

THURSDAY

The Met Office reveals the next storm names after seeking suggestions from members of the public. They include Hurricane Higgins, Storm Zee, Gale Porter and Storm Enya T. Cupp.

F RI DAY

The estate agents selling a Devon volcano issue the full particulars, boasting of its ‘natural underfloor heating’, ‘convenient access to magma’ and ‘fast transport links to the Earth’s fiery core’.

SATURDAY

Waitrose’s new vegan ‘pea milk’ sells well, with customers saying they appreciate how good it is for the environment. ‘Well, it’s certainly green,’ says the company. After getting trounced into last place at the Brecon and Radnorshire by-election, Ukip members vote for a new leader who might be able to take on the Monster Raving Loony Party at their own game. Joke candidates for the post include Baroness Fenella Squeegy-Hands III, The Dribbling Bishop Blitzkrieg – and Neil Hamilton.