NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the new, politically correct rules that ban men appearing comically incompetent on screen, the Advertising Standards Authority steps in to ban the next Labour Party political broadcast.

TUESDAY

After being told he can’t buy Greenland, Donald Trump instead announces an alternative bid to make Poundland the 51st American state. Plans for a new 50p coin honouring Paddington Bear are scrapped after Priti Patel said she didn’t want to celebrate undocumented Peruvian immigrants.

WEDNESDAY

Academics who recreated a haunting, waxy, dead-eyed face around a 2,000-year-old skull say they got the idea after seeing Simon Cowell’s new look.

THURSDAY

After the remains of man-sized penguin are found in New Zealand, a penguin-sized man is discovered in the Commons Speaker’s office. The backlash grows against Government plans to ban sugary sweets like the sherbet lemon after one parent complains: ‘It’s the only fruit little Armarnee gets.’

F RI DAY

House prices in London fall again, with a tiny studio flat the size of a taxi now plunging to just £2.7 million. Since their calls to stop grouse hunting backfired, Labour announce a new set of measures against shooting… themselves in the foot.

SATURDAY

The cricket club that introduced vegan balls bans being ‘out for a duck’, insisting players be ‘out for a tofu’ instead.