QUOTES of the week

‘Cheer up, Geoffrey.’ BBC commentator Jonathan Agnew tries to console England cricket legend Geoffrey Boycott as Ashes humiliation looms. ‘No.’ Boycott’s response. ‘I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower. Think I might have florets.’ Snowflakes 1: Olaf Falafel’s gag wins the prize for best joke at the Edinburgh Festival – but upsets the charity for Tourette syndrome.

‘Real hair-raising stuff… unless you’re Alan Shearer or Danny Murphy.’ Snowflakes 2: Gary Lineker aims a quip at his Match Of The Day co-hosts… prompting complaints to the BBC of discrimination against balding men.

‘One thing you want to deliver is hot buttered toast for the patients of this country.’ Boris Johnson visits Torbay Hospital in Devon and has a simple solution for Prue Leith after the TV cook is asked to help improve hospital food.

‘Nothing much.’ Bedraggled five-year-old Lucie Falconer’s reply when her mum asked what she’d been up to on her first day at school (above right)… after leaving home in pristine condition (above left) .

‘It’s the jive… I cannot come on in Spandex and Lurex and do the flick kicks. I would look so stupid.’ Richard Madeley explains why he won’t be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing.

‘I particularly enjoy his guitar/voice work.’ Music teacher’s 2004 school report on 13-yearold Ed Sheeran.

‘You’ve got to stop dying in everything. Me and your dad can’t stand it.’ Actor Russell Tovey’s mother, tells him that she was upset when he was killed off in the BBC series Years And Years.

‘If you have daughters, teach them how to code.’ Author Jeanette Winterson calls for more young women to take on male ‘geeks’.