NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

In a new round of Brexit talks, Boris Johnson refuses to take No Deal off the table. Or his feet. Meanwhile, the England cricket team are asked to help solve the problem of keeping Ireland border-free – because they clearly have no idea what a boundary is.

TUESDAY

The Great British Bake Off returns tonight with Paul Hollywood passing judgment on the youngest bunch of hopefuls yet. Nothing to do with the show, it’s just how he’s set his search parameters on Tinder.

WEDNESDAY

After an Edinburgh Fringe pun was criticised for being offensive, the British Poultry Council calls for a blanket ban on children’s joke books. ‘We’ve had enough of this hate speech,’ says a spokeschicken. ‘We deserve the right to traverse highways without being the butt of crassly insensitive jokes.’ The other side refuses to comment.

THURSDAY

Patients who tried the homeopathic treatment containing the ‘essence’ of the Berlin Wall, as approved by the Royal Family, insist it did cure their relationship troubles, as promised. But now they have rising damp.

F RI DAY

More celebrity chefs join the crusade to improve NHS meals. However, Gordon Ramsay’s attempts to research satisfaction levels fail, as him demanding ‘Do you like hospital food?’ is deemed too aggressive.

SATURDAY

Fray Bentos explains the disappearance of its corned beef from supermarket shelves, saying it had all been frittered away.