NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Extinction Rebellion protesters again target Broadcasting House, becoming the first people to be glued to the BBC since Bodyguard ended. Meanwhile, veteran activist Swampy complains about being tear-gassed when he’s doused in a strong-smelling substance that he’d never experienced before. It turns out to be deodorant.

TUESDAY

After Boris Johnson vowed to fight to ‘protect the greatest country on earth, the best place to live, the best place to bring up a family’, Norway says thanks, but they’re doing fine without him. Donald Trump finally unmasks the White House whistleblower, after recruiting Coleen Rooney to investigate.

WEDNESDAY

Fears grow about the increasing plausibility of ‘deep-fake’ videos after footage emerges that appears to show Jeremy Corbyn making the preposterous claim that he’s ‘champing at the bit’ for a General Election. The Government starts to implement the ban on eating chocolate on buses, starting with Double Deckers.

THURSDAY

News that Sarah Ferguson received Botox treatment continues to raise eyebrows – just not her own.

F RI DAY

James Dyson says he can’t understand why his electric car project failed, since he used the same technical know-how as in his home appliances – and yet it sucked. Feminists shrug off Heston Blumenthal’s comments that women have no place in the kitchen, given that he thinks snails belong in porridge and bacon should be in ice cream.

SATURDAY

James Bond producers say that there will be no other major changes now 007 is in touch with his feelings. But every time he’s issued with a firearm, he will be given a trigger warning.