QUOTES of the week

‘He died like a dog. He died like a coward.’ Donald Trump after Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the fugitive leader of IS, killed himself during a raid by American special forces.

‘Workington Man.’ Name given to voters seen as holding the key to the next Election. He is typically an older, white, non-graduate living in a Leave constituency.

‘If our great-grandparents were able to turn out without the benefit of cars, central heating or reliable street lighting, you might imagine the public would be able to manage it with today’s modern conveniences.’ Elections expert John Curtice dismisses Jeremy Corbyn’s initial excuse for blocking a December poll on the grounds that it gets dark early.

‘My mum says I was born aged 65 so each year I’m getting closer to where I am spiritually.’ Claudia Winkleman says ageing holds no fear.

‘He had a good body when he was in Elton John’s I’m Still Standing video, but that was 30 years ago, darling.’ Craig Revel Horwood urges fellow Strictly judge Bruno Tonioli to stop posting revealing selfies.

‘The fastest way for him to save money would be to sign his own P45.’ John O’Connell, of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, condemns the £2,000-a-day appointment of Phillip Burns, who was brought in by a North Wales health board to cut costs.

‘My wife ended up going the wrong way – typical woman.’ Brian Garratt is furious with his wife Jean after they became trapped on mudflats near Cleethorpes.

‘I know rules are rules but was a bit surprised to be told to take off a “tunic” (they thought it was a jacket) at Heathrow, down to my scrappy undies.’ Professor Mary Beard tweets after airport security staff made her strip down to her underwear in front of other passengers.