An apology, to Gold and Sullivan and their car crash of a club
IHOPE that making such a generous apology to Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady of Knightsbridge, the visionaries in charge of West Ham United, before the start of the Sunday Supplement programme last weekend, did not stick in the throats of the bosses at Sky Sports.
I wish to clarify, without prejudice, that the use of the word ‘throats’ in this context is in no way intended to recall the porn industry past of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady and any association between that word and their former careers is purely coincidental and deeply regrettable.
I would also like to state that if the word ‘ deep’, or any derivative therein, appears at any time in these paragraphs, it is in no way to be inferred that it is to be used in conjunction with the word ‘throats’, nor is it intended to recall the porn industry past of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady.
On the contrary, in keeping with the spirit of the apology aired on the Sunday Supplement, the word ‘deep’ will only be used to allude to the pockets of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady, who have spent so lavishly and selflessly and with no thought of personal profit, in their attempts to improve the fortunes of West Ham United and, indeed, Birmingham City.
I am particularly pleased the apology reminded viewers that Sebastien Haller, the striker bought by Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady for West Ham United for such an astonishing sum of money, has a beautiful smile and can point his finger directly at a camera. Footage of him scoring a goal was harder to find but that is the fault of Sky Sports and any attempt to blame Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady may result in a legal letter.
IAM also pleased the apology clarified so many issues surrounding the tenure of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady at West Ham United and I have been heartened to note that they and their acolytes from the world of respectable business have accepted the apology with their customary grace and class.
In t he cause of striving for accuracy and fairness, I am relieved to have been so comprehensively re-educated in relation to the ongoing beneficence and altruism of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady with regard to the wider football community.
I am happy to acknowledge that it is solely because of tireless efforts towards ground improvements made while Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady were custodians of Birmingham City, during a golden age in that club’s history, that St Andrew’s has been designated a World Heritage Site.
Moreover, I wish to recant any previous statements which may have gi ven t he i mpression I believed that West Ham United had become a deracinated, hopeless, directionless, car crash of a club which has had its soul ripped out by Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady.
I mistakenly believed that West Ham United had become a laughing stock under Messrs Sullivan, Gold and Baroness Brady and a subset of West Ham United’s own support, as well as the president of Sporting Lisbon, had taken to referring to Messrs Sullivan and Gold as The Dildo Brothers in reference to their porn industry past.
I wish to state that I find this nomenclature highly regrettable and that it is not now, nor will it ever be, a form of address that I find in anyway amusing or acceptable.
I have also been informed that Michail Antonio’s decision to wear a snowman’s outfit when he crashed his Lamborghini into a front garden in south London on Christmas Day must be seen as evidence of his commitment to entertaining the paying public and I accept this explanation without reservation. I also wish to place on the record that I have never heard opposition fans singing: ‘You sold your soul for this s *** hole’ when visiting the London Stadium. Nor has it ever occurred to me that Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady have relocated West Ham United from Upton Park to an arena totally unsuitable for football in t he middle of a wasteland and betrayed more than a hundred years of the club’s heritage.
Nor have I ever seen a letter, purported to have gone viral, from a supporter that describes one element of the desolation of visiting the London Stadium thus: ‘ You watch a game you do not feel a part of. The players are pretty small on the far side. The manager looks pretty isolated out there. You know you are owned by people who do not understand you, your club or your heritage.’
Furthermore, I wish to make it plain I have never seen images of a so-called West Ham United supporter wearing a shirt protesting against the influence of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady on the pitch at the London Stadium, nor have I ever seen any mention of that so-called seasonticket holder being banned for the rest of the season.
Regarding ground regulations referring to anyone who is ‘a source of danger, nuisance or annoyance to any other person ’: I find suggestions these regulations should result in the immediate expulsion of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady from the stadium on home match days both regrettable and reprehensible.
I had also mistakenly believed that because West Ham United are currently third from bottom of the Premier League, it was legitimate to characterise their situation as fighting against relegation. I now accept that this is a malicious falsehood perpetrated by the MSM and that they are overwhelming favourites to beat Manchester City at the Etihad Stadium today.
I also accept I have omitted to mention that West Ham United are six points clear of Norwich City and that failing to highlight this achievement gave a false and misleading impression of West Ham United’s season so far under the leadership of Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady.
I also believe that West Ham are competing for a place in Europe this season and that if, by some cruel twist of fate, a Champions League position eludes them, it will be a grave injustice and absolutely nothing to do with any of the decisions, inspired or otherwise, made by Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady. I also accept that all managerial appointments of Chilean has-beens at West Ham United were made in good faith by Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady. I also accept the fact that West Ham United played half the season with a goalkeeper who could not catch a cold was in no way a reflection of the fact that Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady paid for a new kitchen at the training ground.
I acknowledge, finally, that when the fans of West Ham United release a cloud of black balloons at Anfield during the game against Liverpool this month, it will be i ntended as an unprecedented display of gratitude to Messrs Sullivan and Gold and Baroness Brady for all the brightness they have brought into the lives of fans of the club and that any suggestion to the contrary will result in the suspension of all programming, apart from Emmanuelle In Soho and The Apprentice.
‘OBVIOUSLY I WAS MISTAKEN TO THINK BEING IN THE BOTTOM THREE MEANT THEY WERE IN A FIGHT AGAINST RELEGATION’