NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The Government says it had no choice but to order the closure of cafes in a bid to halt the terrifying spread of hipsters writing whimsical screenplays while allegedly ‘working from home’.

TUESDAY

Broadcasters unveil their new virus-dominated schedules, including Coronanation Street; Last Tango In Halifax Tesco’s Soft Drinks Aisle; the new Scottish shopping quiz Queue? Aye; and Self-Iso-Later With Jools Holland.

WEDNESDAY

Marvel Comics reveal the devastating superpower of their new ‘woke’ hero Snowflake: the ability to use the sarcastic hashtag ‘#OKBoomer’.

After the list of key workers is updated, locksmiths demand: ‘Shouldn’t we be on that?’

THURSDAY

Supermarkets say despite an unprecedented demand, they have all the robust supply chain measures in place to ensure there are enough stocks of reassuring messages from their chief executives to go around.

There’s a last-minute rush to get into Finland after it announced it was closing its borders – or what’s officially known as a race to the Finnish line.

FRIDAY

Millions of people working from home for the first time wonder how to do ‘dress-down Friday’ when they’ve already been in their marmalade-stained pyjamas all week.

After Naomi Campbell says she bathes in salt and vinegar, White House insiders reveal Donald Trump washes his face with Wotsits to achieve his unique complexion.

SATURDAY

The perfumer who wants to infuse books with appropriate scents says he’s working on The Pong Of Solomon; A Fine Aromance; The Jungle Bouquet; Stinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy – and anything by Peter Stenchley.