NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Prince Charles tests negative for commonervirus.

The clampdown on moving house proves highly effective in stopping the spread of the devastating parasitic organisms that make everyone sick. Estate agents.

TUESDAY

Mike Ashley is vindicated in his opinion that Sports Direct is an essential service after hospital workers complain that while protective equipment would be nice, what they really need are giant coffee mugs, cheap dartboards and Lonsdale hoodies.

Meanwhile, health chiefs thank TV companies for donating kit from their shows to the NHS but decline the day-glo octopus costume from The Masked Singer as it’s ‘neither effective personal protective equipment nor what a patient really needs to see when they come round’.

WEDNESDAY

After being moved by the sight of

Britons clapping for the NHS, millions of Americans also put their hands together… to pray their health insurers will cover the hundreds of thousands of dollars a hospital stay will require.

Donald Trump reluctantly stops using the term ‘Chinese virus’ and instead opts for the more scientific term ‘Fake News Democrat Hoax I’m Doing The Most Terrificest Job, Everybody’s Saying It’ virus.

THURSDAY

The website of DIY chain Wickes collapses as people mistakenly search for exercise videos from Joe Wicks… then get the wrong sort of plank.

F RI DAY

The International Olympic Committee announces that the cancelled summer Games will be replaced by a series of events suitable for the lockdown, including ice-olation skating; dressage, in which the challenge is to get dressed before midday; and the ‘slot put’, in which competitors have to secure a supermarket home delivery slot.