NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days.

MONDAY

After the fender-bender in Downing Street last week, Boris Johnson is involved in another car crash: the entire track and trace app fiasco.

And as the coronavirus incompetence level is turned up to ‘Grayling’, Ministers insist their Covid response always follows the science… just at a very, very long distance behind.

TUESDAY

Sports fans are advised not to sing the slave-era anthem Swing Low, Sweet Chariot any more and instead stick to inoffensive traditional English melodies, like You’re Going to Get Your F******

Head Kicked In, Gary Neville S***s His Ma, and the enduring classic The Referee’s A W*****.

Customers wanting to buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s new candle that ‘smells like her orgasms’ are warned that most are fakes.

WEDNESDAY

Boris Johnson concedes there have been too many reviews and too little action on systemic racism in the UK, and orders an immediate review into why.

THURSDAY

Meghan hits back at regulators who said her charity Archewell was ‘too vague’ to qualify for a trademark, saying: ‘What’s vague about wanting to channel the universe’s cosmic connectivity to release the quantum energies of greater feelingfulness?’

F RI DAY

Fantasy game store chain Games Workshop returns its furlough money to the Government, saying it turned out that being locked indoors and denied social contact didn’t have that much effect on its customers after all.