I didn’t sleep for two days after Ben told me I was out of team
AFTER being called to do an interview with Sky Sports last week, I can now l ook back t o my youth and see how people used to cry in the Big Brother chair. It’s an unusual situation to be sat in front of a camera, as I was on Friday morning, to discuss my omission from this week’s Test match. I found the chance to speak my mind quite emotional.
I was never going to go in and tear down trees because that would be detrimental to what the England team are trying to do on the field but I also didn’t want to just toe the party line when I didn’t fully agree with the decision.
I was called to the team room at 6pm on Wednesday and was told by Ben Stokes that I would not be playing because they wanted to go with extra pace.
To be fair, I felt quite emotional, Ben was quite emotional telling me and, if there were any doubts from the outside on how he would deal with being a captain, how he has conducted himself with me should dispel them.
He has been exceptional. On Thursday night, he knocked on my hotel room door at 9pm and asked for a chat. He said: ‘This is nothing about cricket. I just wanted to know how you’re feeling.’
That was a classy touch and the sort of thing that leads teams forward. The disappointment is still in my system.
Let’s face it, it would be pretty unnatural for it to be out of it already but having a net session yesterday has helped get rid of some of the frustration. I tried to replicate match intensity in my training because I have to prepare myself now to play next week.
The selectors have said they’re going pitch by pitch and, if Old Trafford looks like it might suit me, I have to be ready to go.
Normally, the way you get over not playing in England is to go back to your county and look to take wickets. Unfortunately, in this strange summer, that’s not an option. It’s completely unique.
On the few occasions I have been left out in the past I have gone away and looked to improve certain aspects of my bowling but, while every player always has things to work on, now is not the time to redesign anything. I have to try to be ready to play on Thursday, if I get the nod. The frustration I have felt this week has stemmed from me believing that the shirt was mine and there were enough cricket reasons for me to feel that.
Stats-wise I didn’t think I deserved to lose the shirt, opinions-wise I have done.
It’s a tough pill to swallow in that I was the leading England wickettaker in last year’s Ashes, the leading wicket- taker on the tour of South Africa, and then not selected for the first Test of the summer.
There is nothing I can prove. Those wickets are already there, on paper, in the form of my statistics: 485 career wickets, as prolific as any pace bowler in the last couple of years. Having not been left out in a home Test since 2012, I am not used to being in this position and, in some ways, that makes it harder.
In cricket, you have to be in the XI to make a difference.
I am lucky in being able to make big differences to English cricket over the years, and the selectors know what I can do.
The important thing is not to dwell too much on last week now. I could be thinking, ‘Oh, I would have liked to have had a bowl on this pitch,’ especially seeing Jason Holder getting six wickets in the first innings. But if you start doing that, you drive yourself mad. As it was, I pretty much didn’t sleep for two days once I got told I was not playing. It’s only human to start catastrophising everything and asking why, I guess.
But the world of sport doesn’t allow you to feel sorry for yourself for too long because no one else will. You are a small pawn in a big game and you have to find a way to turn yourself around mentally, pick out something positive and go again. I just needed a few days of not feeling I could get out of bed to rev the engines back up and start flying again.
I felt like I had done enough in the last couple of years not to feel as though my spot was under pressure. Now the pressure is because I am not in the side. Arguably, that will bring the best out of me. I perform well in big games and against the best.
It has been tough to take, I have made no bones about that and thankfully I have had more nice messages in the last couple of days than I ever did when I took eight for 15 against Australia. That support’s helped me understand it a bit as well. I also had to hear from the mouths of national selector Ed Smith and England coach Chris Silverwood the truth of the situation.
If the truth had been they saw no future for me, that is professional sport. But the truth is they see me helping this England team in the future and that is something that will drive me on now.