NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Critics of Ministers who wasted £150 million buying dodgy masks say: ‘I don’t how they can show their faces in public.’

Cyclists express surprise at the new roundabout that gives them priority over all other road users, as they’d always assumed they had that right anyway.

TUESDAY

Donald Trump explains why he wants to ban TikTok in America, saying: ‘All those little mints rattling in the plastic box are really annoying.’

And he protests that when he said ‘Thighland’, it wasn’t a mispronunciation – it’s what everybody calls the region between Asserbaijan and Kneesden.

WEDNESDAY

As Gandhi becomes the first nonwhite person to appear on a pound coin, millions of lockdowned

Britons ask: ‘A coin? What’s one of those?’

THURSDAY

With opera being used to help people recover from Covid, thousands of patients demand a note from their doctor.

FRIDAY

Hardline campaigners insist that predating British imperialism by a couple of millennia is no excuse for the Greek island of Rhodes not to change its name.

SATURDAY

The man discovered in woods who hasn’t spoken to a single soul in five years is found to be one of the Government’s track and trace call handlers.

Gwyneth Paltrow admits that sometimes her pronouncements make her sound a bit full of herself. Or as she puts it: ‘The powerful, profane muse of my ethereal consciousness can overwhelm the limits of your temporal vocabulary. And do you want to buy a candle that smells like my earwax? 70 quid.’