NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days...

MONDAY

Michael Gove concedes that the new permits lorries will need to enter Kent are effectively passports – but at least they will be blue passports. Meanwhile, minutes from the meeting that came up with the idea reveal the documents were originally due to be called Kent Regional Access Permits, but the acronym was deemed to be rather too accurate.

TUESDAY

Boris Johnson insists six more months of Covid restrictions needn’t ruin the spirit of Christmas if people simply renamed their support bubble their ‘support bauble’. How festive.

WEDNESDAY

The decision by Uncle Ben’s rice to drop its trademark image over claims of racial stereotyping fails to satisfy protesters, who say they will continue to go against the grain.

THURSDAY

Labour reveal the other slogans they considered before coming up with ‘A New Leadership’ included: ‘For the many votes, not the few’; ‘New, new, new Labour: this time we really mean it’; ‘Corbyn’s out to help out’; the postBrexit ‘I can see Keirly now, Remain has gone’; and ‘Yes we’ve got policies – amazing policies – we just can’t tell you what they are yet’. Filming begins on a new movie about the Covid lockdown. It won’t be coming out soon.

F RI DAY

Focus groups give a cold reception to the planned James Bond theme park at Pinewood Studios, saying they hate the fact there will be so many Qs.

SATURDAY

Jellyfish and chips makes it on to UK menus to save fish stocks. But at £8.50 a portion, diners say they’re being stung. Deadpool star Ryan Reynolds’ plan to buy Wrexham FC sparks a wave of Hollywood interest in all things Welsh, and a raft of movie remakes, including A View To A Rhyl, Dai Hard, Dial ‘M’ For Merthyr and A Splottwork Orange.