NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Following the collapse of Brexit talks, Britain prepares to trade with the EU under what Boris Johnson calls ‘Australia-style’ terms – excellent news for the nation’s vast kangaroo meat and boomerang manufacturing industries.

After taking the Government’s much-mocked advice for creative workers to retrain, ballerina Fatima completes her degree in ‘cyber’. She gets a 2-2.

TUESDAY

Labour leader Keir Starmer voices concern about lockdown measures after bar owners tell Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain of rumours that they will lead to inflated booze prices. In other words, Keir’s fears for tiers rear after Piers hears sneers that dear beer smears are near. Could somebody ask Germaine Greer?

WEDNESDAY

The researchers who found that talking to cattle makes their meat tastier claim it doesn’t matter what you say, you just have to chew the fat. However, US-imported beef is pumped so full of steroids that their steaks answer back.

Scientists who discovered that dogs have a midlife crisis say it should be called the menopaws.

THURSDAY

Russian attempts to smear the Covid treatment being developed at Oxford University as the ‘monkey vaccine’ are dismissed as ‘fake new-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo-ooos’.

F RI DAY

Gal Gadot insists she hasn’t heard any of the social-media criticism that, as an Israeli actress, she shouldn’t have been cast as Egyptian queen Cleopatra. But what else would you expect from the Queen of Denial?

SATURDAY

The chicken nugget launched into space by the supermarket Iceland last week approaches the Big Dipper.