The Mail on Sunday

NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

- Steve Bennett

OUR weekly, irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

After 14 hours of intense Brexit negotiatio­ns, there’s a major breakthrou­gh when both sides finally agree on what Deliveroo pizza to order, despite the EU demanding that the British hand over 80 per cent of their anchovies, and the UK saying they find the whole thing hard to swallow.

MONDAY

Eager customers who queued up all night to get into Primark excitedly reveal what they picked up. Covid, mainly.

As Manchester City’s Etihad Stadium is transforme­d into a mass vaccinatio­n centre, fans say it’s been a long time since they witnessed such fantastic shots.

TUESDAY

Campaigner­s calling on Netflix to put a disclaimer on The Crown, making clear that it’s a work of pure fiction, demand the same warning before anything Gavin Williamson says.

In Heaven, St Peter welcomes David Prowse, the actor who played the Green Cross Code Man, after he safely crosses to the other side.

WEDNESDAY

English NHS staff react with envy at the £500 ‘thank-you’ bonus awarded to their Scottish counterpar­ts, noting: ‘That would almost cover our hospital car parking bills for the week.’

A tragic Prince Harry laments that while he wants to be a raindrop, he’ll never get to reign.

THURSDAY

The writers and actors trying to buy the house where JRR Tolkien wrote The Lord Of The Rings say it is full of unforeseen treasures… otherwise known as unexpected items in the Baggins area.

America says the world should be on alert after China placed its marker on the surface of the Moon. ‘It’s a massive red flag,’ a White House spokesman said.

FRIDAY

Following research that Peppa Pig is a lot more violent than parents realise, Hollywood buys up the rights for a new action movie franchise starring Jason Stat-ham, Arnold Rashernegg­er, Edward Snorton, Mickey Porke, Hugh Grunt, and, of course, Kevin Bacon.

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