NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly, irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
TODAY
After 14 hours of intense Brexit negotiations, there’s a major breakthrough when both sides finally agree on what Deliveroo pizza to order, despite the EU demanding that the British hand over 80 per cent of their anchovies, and the UK saying they find the whole thing hard to swallow.
MONDAY
Eager customers who queued up all night to get into Primark excitedly reveal what they picked up. Covid, mainly.
As Manchester City’s Etihad Stadium is transformed into a mass vaccination centre, fans say it’s been a long time since they witnessed such fantastic shots.
TUESDAY
Campaigners calling on Netflix to put a disclaimer on The Crown, making clear that it’s a work of pure fiction, demand the same warning before anything Gavin Williamson says.
In Heaven, St Peter welcomes David Prowse, the actor who played the Green Cross Code Man, after he safely crosses to the other side.
WEDNESDAY
English NHS staff react with envy at the £500 ‘thank-you’ bonus awarded to their Scottish counterparts, noting: ‘That would almost cover our hospital car parking bills for the week.’
A tragic Prince Harry laments that while he wants to be a raindrop, he’ll never get to reign.
THURSDAY
The writers and actors trying to buy the house where JRR Tolkien wrote The Lord Of The Rings say it is full of unforeseen treasures… otherwise known as unexpected items in the Baggins area.
America says the world should be on alert after China placed its marker on the surface of the Moon. ‘It’s a massive red flag,’ a White House spokesman said.
FRIDAY
Following research that Peppa Pig is a lot more violent than parents realise, Hollywood buys up the rights for a new action movie franchise starring Jason Stat-ham, Arnold Rashernegger, Edward Snorton, Mickey Porke, Hugh Grunt, and, of course, Kevin Bacon.