NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Calls for negotiators to go the extra mile to secure a post-Brexit deal prompt a major rift, as Brussels insists the term should be ‘go the extra 1.61km’.

But as lorries are stacked up for miles outside Dover, Michael Gove declares victory, trilling: ‘We always said we’d end freedom of movement.’

TUESDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg again blasts Unicef for saying there is child poverty in the UK, insisting that any young rapscallion can always earn a shiny farthing by cleaning out his chimney.

The festive alignment of the planets is deemed a disappointment, with many online reviewers awarding it ‘one star’.

After it is revealed that a lingerie firm won a PPE contract, medics complain that the ‘peek-a-boo’ masks aren’t entirely effective.

WEDNESDAY

The man who makes coats for the homeless from crisp packets unveils his latest design, made only from Wotsit wrappers. It’s his puffa jacket. The terrifying, icy threat advancing on South Georgia is given a new name: Priti.

CHRISTMAS EVE

Critics who condemned the Duchess of Sussex for promoting a vegan latte are urged to ‘wake up and smell the accessible, ethical wellness product with holistically healing adaptogens’.

After lawyers say motorists in self-driving cars should not be held legally responsible for any accidents, Prince Philip asks: ‘Where do I sign up?’

CHRISTMAS DAY

Father Christmas completes all his deliveries, despite his helpers being on furlough-ho-ho during a period of elf-isolation. He says it’s all thanks to the ‘sack and trace’ app and lashings of hand Santa-tiser.