NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The brilliant scientific minds who created the Oxford Covid vaccine turn their immense intelligence to the next biggest difficulty vexing Britain: what day of the week is it now?

TUESDAY

The M20 towards Dover is again blighted by a mammoth traffic jam. Nothing to do with Brexit, but a tailback from a drivethru McDonald’s where Sir Keir Starmer was asked ‘Do you want fries with that?’ and was paralysed at the prospect of having to make a meaningful decision for once.

Five days into 2021 and Gavin Williamson performs the 17th U-turn on his New Year’s resolutions.

WEDNESDAY

Following reports that Theresa May’s public inquiries have cost more than £300 million without yet producing any conclusions, civil servants launch an immediate public inquiry.

As power companies are targeted by metal thieves stealing their cables, police say they have no leads to follow.

THURSDAY

ScotRail unveils its first train to be powered by human excrement: the Inters****y 125. Executives admit that it may have been a mistake to let Sean Connery name it before his death.

After coronavirus lockdown put a £150 million hole in the Church of England’s finances, vicars urge parishioners to set up contracts for regular donations – or at least sign up to a pray-asyou-go scheme.

FRIDAY

The disco-jiving robots revealed last week unveil their new moves: a dance they call The Human.

SATURDAY

As the Government plans a cull on invasive species of birds, the RSPB issues an urgent warning about the crucial difference between parakeets and cockatiels. Parakeets are a small to medium-sized species of parrot threatening native wildlife, they explain, while a cockatiel is an alcoholic drink like a mojito or a martini.