NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After confirming that he won’t be attending Joe Biden’s inauguration, Donald Trump defies the Covid ban and flies to Scotland to spend the remainder of his term at his Turnberry golf course. Critics note that he won’t be the first megalomaniac despot to end his days in a bunker.

Meanwhile, the Trump supporter photographed stealing a lectern from the Capitol building during last week’s protests insists: ‘I was taking a stand.’

TUESDAY

Official advice to everyone in the UK to ‘act as if you have the coronavirus’ backfires as the entire nation spends the day in bed watching ITV2, given that their sense of taste has gone.

There’s chaos as the Army starts helping with the Covid vaccination programme and one new recruit misunderstands the order to ‘deliver the shots’.

WEDNESDAY

Sotheby’s announces the sale of one of the rarest items ever to have come into its prestigious Mayfair auction room: an Ocado delivery slot.

Anglers insist it’s only right to class fishing as exercise during lockdown since it involves a lot of stretching, skipping and running: stretching the truth about your catch, skipping social interactions, and running away from your problems at home.

A man fined for throwing a snowball in breach of lockdown rules shows his remorse and says that next time he wants to blow off steam, he’ll do something with no legal consequences – like hijack an oil tanker in the Solent.

THURSDAY

Amazon takes delivery of a new fleet of aircraft for its cargo business… but as executives weren’t in, the courier just left them behind a bin.

F RI DAY

Top brass defend the Army’s new recruitment slogan ‘It’s all right to fail’, saying they’ve been applying the same policy to their suppliers of guns, tanks and personnel carriers for years.