NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Swampy and his fellow eco-warriors spent two months digging a 100ft tunnel near Euston, HS2 bosses demand to know how they achieved such dizzyingly fast progress.

TUESDAY

There is dismay among lockdown-hit pupils who have been told they can repeat a year, after they are told it’ll be 2020.

Meanwhile, Covid sufferers told to sing opera to beat the virus are blamed for a rise in the aria number.

WEDNESDAY

Portsmouth’s Royal Navy museum takes possession of the Elizabethan map it bought depicting the Spanish Armada – and instantly realises it was drawn to the wrong scale. You would never get that many miles to the galleon.

THURSDAY

Calls from activists at Peta not to deploy ‘anti-animal’ slurs are found to have backfired after the use of the terms ‘batty’, ‘cuckoo’ and ‘mad as a box of frogs’ spiked immediately following its announcement.

FRIDAY

In his defence, the binman sacked for kicking over a child’s snowman claims he believed it had historic links to the slave trade.

Millennials blamed for the death of the ‘knock knock’ joke say they just don’t understand the concept. Why rap on a door when you can use a global network of orbiting space satellites to text: ‘I’m outside’?

SATURDAY

The haute couture dress that looked like Swiss cheese is quickly copied by other designers, including Dolcelatte and Gabbana, Bur-brie and Versacheese.