NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Discussions about the point at which the UK will ease holiday restrictions descend into tantrums, with Ministers repeatedly asking Boris Johnson: ‘Are we nearly there yet?’
Matt Hancock denies that he’s enjoying imposing increasing draconian punishments on travellers, as he announces ten-year jail terms for anyone who doesn’t walk on airport travelators, or says they are going on their ‘holibobs’.
TUESDAY
Oxford University denies that it is coming under undue Chinese influence after Somerville College is renamed Dim Somerville.
Meanwhile, Beijing insists that its blocking of BBC transmissions is not censorship, but a protest over the £1.50 licence-fee increase.
WEDNESDAY
After the UK dropped the terror threat from ‘severe’ to ‘substantial’, ISIS commanders ask if throwing a Scotch egg counts as a ‘substantial’ attack.
THURSDAY
Fishing chiefs planning to rename species that customers find unappealing discover that more and more people now associate ‘sturgeon’ with a very bitter taste.
After pigs are taught to play video games, their favourites are revealed to be Porkamon Go, Swinecraft and ‘wee wee wee’ Sports.
FRIDAY
Weetabix apologise for sending out the tweet showing their cereal smothered in baked beans, saying they now realise how wrong it was, with the benefit of Heinzsight.
SATURDAY
The American lawyer who accidentally appeared as a cat in a court hearing on Zoom is indicted for purrjury… and could get nine life sentences.