NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Unveiling his plans to ease Covid restrictions, Boris Johnson says Britain needs ‘just one more heave’… which is rather an unkind way of describing the collective reaction to another Matt Hancock press conference.

But there’s disappointment when his roadmap simply says: ‘Take the A66 to Barnard Castle.’

TUESDAY

Harry and Meghan say that despite stepping down from Royal duties, they will continue to be committed to a life of service. That’s the Spotify service, the Netflix service, the Disney+ service…

WEDNESDAY

After it was revealed that Dilyn chewed antique hardbacks at Chequers, Boris’s dog is appointed Shadow Chancellor – since causing irreparable damage to the nation’s books has always been a Labour policy.

Now they have officially been classed as workers, Uber drivers are told that employee rights are just around the corner… they’re heading in the right direction… honestly, they’ll be there any minute now.

THURSDAY

The NHS chiefs who offered a Covid jab to a man they thought was 6.2cm tall say the blunder sends an important message to all those desperate to receive their own vaccine: it’s best to be a little patient.

Details are leaked of the idiot’s guide to driving issued to BBC staff in the name of health and safety, with employees advised to keep firmly to the left and to always mirror, virtue signal, manoeuvre.

F RI DAY

Jeremy Clarkson is granted the alcohol licence he sought for his Cotswolds farm shop – meaning it’s finally OK for him to deliver a punch.

SATURDAY

Nasa’s Perseverance probe gets to work on the Red Planet, having completed its ten-day quarantine in the Mars branch of Travelodge.