NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR WEEKLY irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…
TODAY
Following Prince Philip’s funeral, Buckingham Palace confirms what will happen to his official titles: Duke of Edinburgh will eventually go to Prince Edward, Lord High Admiral remains temporarily vacant, and the esteemed ancient appellation of Legend Of Banter goes to Keith Lemon.
MONDAY
The SNP denies its manifesto is a ‘fantasy wish list’ after promising a four-day week, saying: ‘Scots will need the extra day off to ride free unicorns we’re giving out.’
TUESDAY
Bernie Madoff’s will reveals he wanted to be buried in the manner of an Egyptian Pharaoh – but executors dismissed it as another of his dubious pyramid schemes.
WEDNESDAY
The makers of the whitest shade of whitewash ever created receive a mammoth order from the Metropolitan Police, as they prepare yet another report into their own behaviour.
Ministers investigating a ban on buying pets with cash say snakes who hand over a monkey for a pony are opening a can of worms they shouldn’t be able to weasel out of.
THURSDAY
The legal battle between M&S and Aldi over the Colin The Caterpillar cake is referred all the way to the top – to the Master of the (Swiss) Rolls. Meanwhile, Whole Foods launches its more upmarket version, Lucretius The Lepidoptera Larva.
F RI DAY
University chiefs now confess they were wrong to dismiss the importance of good English and punctuation in exams. In a statement they admit: ‘When we said, “Students with poor English should understand we won’t be marking their papers down with bad grammar”, we meant, “Students with poor English should now understand: we won’t be marking their papers. Down with bad grammar!”’
SATURDAY
Cricket chiefs announce tiny changes to make the sport more popular. The bowler will now be called the ‘pitcher’, the bat will be made narrower and rounder, there will be extra creases, renamed ‘bases’, and the game will take place on ‘diamonds’ in American baseball stadia, not Test grounds.