NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TONIGHT

After years of painstaking investigation into bent coppers on Line Of Duty, AC-12 finally unmasks H, the senior officer in the pocket of organised criminal gangs. At the end of the final episode, Supt Ted Hastings dramatically reveals: ‘It’s… Rebekah Vardy’s account.’

MONDAY

Following news that Boris Johnson’s mobile number has been left on the internet, security chiefs are shocked to learn that everyone also seems to know his address.

TUESDAY

With crowds being allowed at nightclubs but not funerals, one enterprising crematorium rebrands as Inferno’s, the hottest nightspot in town.

WEDNESDAY

Dentists demanding that schools give children lessons in how to clean their teeth insist: ‘Everyone could do with a brush-up. And then down again. And then up again…’

Following the resignation of Arlene Foster, the DUP seeks an inspirational figure to lead the party into the 20th Century.

THURSDAY

A rival financial institution snaps up all the vowels abandoned by newly rebranded Abrdn, and will now be known as HSBEEEC.

Passengers on the first Gwyneth Paltrow Goop cruise dive into the all-you-can-eat buffet, only to discover that one forkful of the macrobiotic kale and tea-fungus salad is literally all they can eat.

F RI DAY

After Gareth Wild achieved his personal goal of parking in all 211 spaces at his local Sainsbury’s car park, a rival sets a new world record for Audi drivers, by successfully parking within the lines of one bay.

The artist behind a massive design on a Somerset beach hopes one day he’ll be as well respected as his hero, Sandy Warhol.

SATURDAY

Technology that allows product placement to be slipped into old movies is rolled out through a raft of rereleases, including ApoCalippo Now; All About Yves Saint Laurent; A Terry’s Clockwork Orange; Schindler’s Listerine; Chitty Chitty Cillit Bang Bang; Butch Cassidy And the Capri-Sundance Kid; Philishaving Private Ryan; and Once Upon A Time Sponsored By Accurist In The West.