QUOTES of the week

#CarrieAntoinette

Twitter hashtag

comparing Carrie Symonds to the ‘let them eat cake’ French queen for her role in the Downing Street redecoration saga.

‘Time for an interiors refresh? We pride our Home Design Service on having something for “almost” everyone.’ John Lewis pokes fun at Boris Johnson for his refurbishment travails – the flat was previously decked out by Theresa May with furniture from the department store.

‘A driverless Lamborghini would be as absurd as maintaining a wild-eyed, raven-haired Neapolitan mistress in a scarlet dress slit to the waist but keeping her locked up and unvisited in a Travelodge.’ Cultural guru Stephen Bayley’s verdict on Government plans to legalise driverless cars before the end of the year.

‘I understand lockdown has been difficult and many of us have changed. But Tony Blair changing into David Icke must be the strangest change of all!’

Twitter user Glyn Shemwell on the former PM’s flowing locks.

‘Morning, boys and girls.’ One of the ‘sexist’ terms banned by Birmingham head teacher Sarah Hewitt-Clarkson.

‘If this filth is to your liking, may we suggest you move to the cesspit that is Hebden Bridge?’

Villagers in Cornholme, West Yorkshire, are disgusted at the pornographic literature being left at their free roadside library.

‘El Cashico and The Rumble In The Oil Well.’

Nicknames given to the Champions League semi-final between Gulf-backed Manchester City and Paris Saint-Germain.

‘Congratulations, you’ve had a toddler!’

Maternity ward staff to Amber Cumberland after she gave birth to 12lb 14oz daughter called Emilia.