QUOTES of the week

‘Totally f****** hopeless.’ Boris Johnson’s description of Matt Hancock to Dominic Cummings after the sluggish testing rollout at the start of the pandemic.

‘I think we’re past the high water mark. The public are getting fed up of virtue-signalling police officers when they’d really rather we just locked up burglars.’ Greater Manchester Chief Constable Stephen Watson concedes that people have had enough of woke gestures by police forces.

‘If you want to get paid New York rates, you work in New York.’ James Gorman, chief executive of Wall Street giant Morgan Stanley, warns staff they must return to the office – or face a pay cut.

‘Woke is the revenge of the dullard on the wit, the curtain-twitcher on the hedonist, the wallflower on the whirling dancer.’ Julie Burchill, who was sacked by the Telegraph following her suggestion Harry and Meghan call their baby ‘Georgina Floydina’ rather than Lilibet.

‘I was a troll, full stop.’ American model Chrissy Teigen apologises after bullying people on Twitter.

‘I’m like Kirstie Allsopp but with more tattoos.’ Vanilla Ice, the former rap star who is now a TV property guru.

‘Yes, I am back with you. For ****’s sake, I’m only 29 years old.’ Christian Eriksen’s first words as he regained consciousness after collapsing on the pitch when one of the doctors who saved him asked: ‘Well, are you back with us?’

‘Agua.’ Cristiano Ronaldo knocks $4 billion off CocaCola’s share price after moving the drink away at a Euros press conference – and telling people to drink water instead.

‘Make-up courtesy of dog teeth.’ Clara McGregor, daughter of Hollywood actor Ewan, jokes on Instagram after being bitten on the face just before attending the premiere of her latest film.