QUOTES of the week

‘And I want to thank that, uh, fellow down under…’

Joe Biden appears to forget the name of Australian PM Scott Morrison as a new security alliance is announced.

‘If any of you are in any discomfort or need anything, let me know and we’ll try and sort you out in a nice way.’

A policeman sparks fury by appeasing eco-protesters after they brought more chaos to the M25.

‘You cannot exaggerate Sir Clive Sinclair’s influence on the world. And if we’d all stopped laughing long enough to buy a C5, he’d probably have saved the environment.’

Dominik Diamond, former presenter of TV gaming show GamesMaster, following the death of home computing pioneer Sir Clive Sinclair.

‘You are clearly struggling with extremism and terrorism. I could very much help you with that because you clearly don’t know what you’re doing.’ Isis bride Shamima Begum offers to help Britain in the

fight against terrorism.

‘Honestly I can’t even get a court at my local club!’ Emma Raducanu reveals some things have not changed since her US Open victory. ‘I was thinking I’d like to do panto. Do you think it’s all right for men to dress up as women? Is that over with?’

Sir Ian McKellen mocks the woke trend that insists actors no longer play characters of a different gender.

‘Just as well there are no homosexuals in the arts sector.’

SNP culture spokesman John Nicolson’s deadpan quip to new Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries, who has opposed gay marriage.

‘I said last year we’re the Saudi Arabia of wind. Probably the

Saudi Arabia of penal policy, under our wonderful

Home Secretary.’

Boris Johnson is criticised for this joke at a Tory fundraiser

lunch. The Gulf state still carries out capital punishment.