NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Dominic Raab starts work at his very important and definitely not made-up job of Deputy Prime Minister, where he has been tasked with securing the nation’s supplies of tartan paint, left-handed screwdrivers and long weights.
Meanwhile in Kabul, Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada is criticised for being on holiday during the fall of Dominic Raab.
As he arrives at work, Michael Gove is disappointed to find out that he misheard his new ministerial brief and is responsible for housing, not house music.
And in the row over grace-andfavour homes, new Foreign Secretary Liz Truss is asked if she’d give up Chevening – and instantly denies she has ever chevened in her life.
TUESDAY
After hip-hop star Nikki Minaj decided to dabble in public health advice, England’s chief medical officer hits back in her field, a rap battle: ‘Tank fly boss walk jam nitty-gritty. You’re listening to your boy who goes by Chris Whitty! This is jab hot…
My rhymes be so R-rated, my lockdowns be so hated. To get the cases down at all, my flow be always later-al. You got no expertise, to cure this new disease, so listen when I make decrees: “Next slide please”.’
WEDNESDAY
Priti Patel deploys Insulate Britain eco-protesters to patrol the Channel since they’ve proved so much better at stopping traffic than the existing border patrols.
Shopkeepers welcome the return of imperial measures, so they can measure empty shelves by the yard not the metre.
THURSDAY
The Government insists there is no threat to safety as it unveils the easier test for HGV drivers: beating Luigi in Mario Kart.
Boris Johnson announces that he’s going to beef up the Government’s Plan A to combat a possible winter Covid crisis… and now he will keep fingers on both hands crossed.
FRIDAY
British Covid patients are ridiculed, kicked out of their homes and jobs, then investigated for large-scale tax fraud after the NHS said they should receive the same treatment as Donald Trump.