NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Sajid Javid’s repeated insistence that it’s OK to snog under the mistletoe starts to sound a bit needy.
More details emerge of the games played at the controversial Downing Street gathering during lockdown last Christmas. They were Pass The Buck,
Pin The Blame On The French, and that one where you’re not allowed to say anything helpful: a No 10 press conference.
TUESDAY
Scientists warn that the outbreak of the Omicron variant linked to a Steps concert in Glasgow is spreading fast. Case numbers are rising: 5, 6, 7, 8…
And confusion continues to reign over just how to pronounce that word which will stop so many people enjoying themselves this Christmas: is it ‘wokery’ or ‘wokism’?
WEDNESDAY
Emmanuel Macron’s description of Boris Johnson as a clown is an outrageous, disrespectful slur that needs to be withdrawn immediately, says Professor Calamity McBanana-Head, before disappearing in a flourish of glitter.
Fears that a global wheat shortage will lead to pasta price rises seems to come true as penne is renamed tuppenne.
THURSDAY
As the Boots chemists’ chain is put up for sale, City analysts say £10 billion is a bargain, especially considering the buyer will also get 40 billion Advantage points.
Labour raises concerns over the Online Safety Bill, saying any legislation targeting people who operate under the cloak of anonymity might affect their new front bench.
FRIDAY
Another group of residents strike a blow to the woke brigade by voting against renaming a road despite its historic links to misery, inequality and suffering. So ‘Downing Street’ it remains…
Two weeks after Storm Arwen, some people in the North of England have been told they still face an indeterminate time without power. They’re called Labour MPs.
SATURDAY
Mark Williams apologises for falling asleep during his championship snooker match last week. He says he misunderstood when his opponent asked for a ‘long rest’.
The Gold channel airs an old Christmas episode of Only Fools And Horses featuring Roger Lloyd-Pack’s dim-witted character (Trigger warning).